advice Archives - HeartBrokenStilettos

Letters to the prison

It can be stressful if someone you know has been sent to prison but we have to take care of our dear regular customers, even when they go through a hard time. For me, he was not only a regular of the club but a kind of friend, a valuable person with a big heart for his friends and family and one of the most caring men I’ve ever met.

I’m thinking a lot about him and how someone’s life can change in such a short time. He was smart, but he trusted the wrong person and some of his so-called ‘friends’ took advantage of him. Someone who maybe was jealous of him or someone who got in trouble and to save his life needed to sacrifice someone’s else.

I was aware of his drug addiction and had the sense that he was also selling it, although we never talked about it openly. Many people who visited me in clubs were in the same shoes. The night clubs attract all of the junkies, gangsters, drug addicts, dealers. Maybe their families didn’t even notice but we, night people see a different face of the clients (and that’s often the real one).

Many negative things happened around him, one of his friends passed away, other friend went back to prison, other lost the restaurant because of gambling and drugs, and all dragged him in the current situation. It’s like when bad things happen around you, you attract more negativity. Lately, he was drinking a lot, plus the drugs, not like before for fun and party, but like someone who carries lots of pain. He was a regular in the club where I was working time by time, and all the girls were worried about him. He set up himself on the negative spiral that pulled him down to the black hole and dragged him to hell. Into his personalised hell. And now he’s sitting in the middle of his worst nightmare.

I wish I could see it earlier, and maybe I could change his negative thoughts and turn them into positive ones. I don’t blame myself, but surely, I was selfish and didn’t realise what was going on around him. I was busy chasing my own dreams.

One girl from the club told me what’s happened, then I immediately got in touch with his friend who told me the things don’t look so good, but he has a good lawyer. I was trying to contact him, I even wrote an email to the prison near his town asking if he’s there, but the answer was that I could write a letter, if he’s there he will get it if not, they would send it back to me. How helpful! Then I was thinking to contact his family (I’ve met his father before). I just wanted his family to know that he has my support and I’m hoping for the best for him. I didn’t want to contact him during the investigation period. The only reason why I was hesitating because I know him from a strip club, and what people usually think about strip clubs? Drugs and prostitution… I thought it would be better to wait until the investigation has finished. I knew he would understand it.

I had mixed feelings of anger, sadness and a desire to support him, but I felt powerless and confused. I was worried about him. I know it was one of his biggest fear to go to prison. Once he told me if he ever goes to jail, he will not get out from there alive.

Many questions were in my head. Is he also going through a drug rehabilitation program? Is there anything I can do for him? Would it be possible to write him some encouraging words? How is the family? I suppose they didn’t know much about his drug addiction. Were they shocked? I was lethargic for a few days after I heard what’s happened. I had no idea how he feels, what he could do there. I couldn’t even imagine how his days are passing by.

One way to offer support is by writing a letter of encouragement to him, letting him know that I’m thinking about him and sending him my best wishes and good thoughts his way. Writing letters has always been my choice, it helps me to express those emotions in a controlled way, giving me time to think about what I want to say. Just needed to realise that all the letters I write to him will be opened and read by the judge and the state attorney. So, I must be very careful and not mentioning anything about the investigation or case, especially nothing about drugs.

I believe that everything that happens to us has a higher purpose, even we don’t see it at that very moment, but we will understand when we look back. And what happened to him was the only way to stop him from this self-destructive habits and make him rethink his life. I’m also the person who’s seeking a little positivity in every bad situation. We have to take responsibility for our own acts. He knows he can’t carry on drinking and partying like before. He can’t continue where he stopped. I think the current situation will change him a better one, and I wish him the strength to hang in there. I know it’s not easy to find any positivity there, but at least we should try. I wish him to be strong and don’t let people who love him down. The world hasn’t ended yet, only is changing. Changing for a better one. And that sets him on a healthier path for the future.

I want to show him the light at the end of the tunnel. Because there is surely a light, maybe we just can’t see it right now. We just want to see the darkness.

Finally, I’ve written to him and got a reply very soon. His letter was full of jokes, so I believe he’s okay. He’s doing very well considering where he is. He still doesn’t know how long he’ll have to stay, but I hope he’ll be home soon. And I’m here for him writing him some jokes in the letter as well as stories that will lift his spirits. Even if our contact is limited during this time, it is crucial to let him know that whenever he needs me as a shoulder to lean on, I will be there. He spent an enormous amount of money on me in the club, I can’t show my back to him now. I want to support him continually. He’s worthy and loved, people, believe in him and count on him. He decided to enter drug rehab. He always thought he could control his addictions, but indeed, they controlled his body and mind. I’m proud of his decision and providing him with the determination needed to work through the many challenges that he will face during this time spent in prison.

My thoughts on dick pics

Once in London, I finished my shift and I was in a hurry to catch my night bus from Tottenham Court Road. I was at the bus stop when a young guy stepped in front of me holding his mobile close to my face.

“Look!”

It was a picture of a – I suggest his – penis. It’s okay to be proud of your precious male part, but why do you think I want to see it, especially in this way of presentation? Is this the only thing you can offer to a woman, does it make you a man?

I don’t understand the male behaviour when they send a picture of their penises before sending a photo of their faces.

Lots of theories are out there, but I – as a simple woman – cannot understand that. I’m not talking about when the man is in a naughty mood with someone and the two are exchanging superheated messages and erotic fantasies. As a part of that, I have sent pictures of myself and I will. I’m not a prude. And in this circumstance, I find it natural to satisfy someone’s curiosity how you look or send a picture what kind of effect you make on the other person’s body in that very moment on the other end of the virtual world. In long distant relationships, they are a different question, it’s a reward to know that my partner is thinking about me even if he’s miles away.

But these unwanted R-rated sexual photos from guys are the biggest turn off for women.

If you’re a woman, have you ever received an unsolicited dick photo from a guy and thought, “What the hell was he thinking?” You’re chatting with some guy online, you think it might progress to a date and then, suddenly there is a random picture of his penis with the meaning: I’m ready for you! Or if you don’t answer their messages, they will show you what you’re missing out in this way. It’s surely not appropriate sexual behaviour or at least not when you want to get to know somebody.

I have to tell you dear Gents, those pictures are unwelcome. Most women appreciate a good body including the male part, but we are really turned on by the man’s intellect, his gentleness and his strength. I’d like to know these qualities before he expresses himself sexually, not vice versa.

Something about this particular type of exhibitionism is really irresistible to some men. Of course, women are also curious, but when we ask for these kinds of pictures or when we are happy to accept them, we are already turned on by the man’s other male aspects like the strength of character or intelligence. The female brain is wired in a totally different way than the male brain that’s why men can be turned on easier by visually sexy effects. Dear men, for the women it works differently, please try to understand that! Actually, most of us can be turned off by receiving this kind of treatment. I wouldn’t even want to know what these men think would be appropriate to send if we are in a relationship!

We live in an age of narcissism where many people believe that they are better than they really are, or sexier than they are.

Some guys out there are really into themselves and their phalluses, and they assume that the woman will be, too, and she will send a sexy picture to them in return. They might think in that way: “I showed you mine, now you show me yours!” Some of them are insecure about their penises and silently they ask for approval, others are uncomfortable to properly express themselves with words that they want to have sex with a girl, so they send a picture of their penises instead. Others use it as a form of sexual harassment.

Women do not find pictures of penises to be aesthetically pleasing at all. We find the whole man we like pleasing, not only his manhood. Men fundamentally misunderstand how most women feel about these type of pictures. And they truly believe it works.

(From the book Bedtime Stories from Stripperland)

https://publioboox.com/en_gb/bedtime-stories-from-stripperland

5 things you should never ask from your dancer

1. How much money do you make?

I consider this question extremely rude from a customer’s mouth. Especially when my money depends on how much he’s willing to pay. My experience these guys just asking questions but don’t want to spend much money in the club. I never ask my customers how much money they have in their pocket!

Here in the blog, I write about money and club system because I want to break the stereotype that we, dancers are super rich. Unfortunately, it’s not the case. But still, the question is not polite at all.

2. Can we have sex in private?

NO. Even if it’s possible in some club, don’t make the wrong idea that you can have it in EVERY club, with EVERY dancer. If it’s possible, wait until the dancer makes the move… and you don’t find yourself in an embarrassing situation, most importantly you won’t piss of your dancer.

3. Is there a camera in the private?

YES. The management wants to know what’s going on there. Not only about sex but about drugs or any crime. Or about dancers who make outside business or get cash from the customer when she’s not allowed. Sometimes I can not take tips in private because it would lead me to further trouble with the club

And sometimes for the dancer’s safety. Can you imagine if the customer gets beating her up or being extremely aggressive with her? Or if something gets lost.. or stolen. Of course, they want to know about everything!

4. Do you want some beer?

Definitely not! I do drink champagne or cocktails. Not because I’m a lady, but because I earn commission on it. Simple is that.

5. Can I have your number?

It depends. Some clubs allow it, some don’t. It’s not a lie if I tell you I can’t because my boss watches us. But even if I can, I don’t give my number to anyone. Only to those who became a regular customer or I spent a good time with. I don’t want any disturbing messages or phone calls the middle of the night when I want to sleep! Way too many stalkers around.

+1. How do you find the work?

(This you can ask, but myself I’m bored to explain all the time..)

The first thing to make it clear, yes, there are agencies for dancers to cooperate between the clubs and the girls. Usually, clubs don’t like girls working without an agency. And personally, I prefer to work with agencies because if something happens they are there to help (like finding a new place in short notice if necessary) and it’s a safer way because they already know the club and its conditions. But I never need to be worried because I’m working as a self-employed and I pay tax and insurance and I sign contracts with clubs all the time.

Pushing the limits

When I think I’ve seen everything, life always is quick over proving me that I’m wrong. I thought in Iceland I worked with the worst kind of dancers ever, the most competitive and the less care about others. Here in Oslo they even worst by my opinion. Before you think I work with Romanians, I must say no. Here the majority of the girls come from Baltic countries and they are extremely rough! They just care about the fast money they can make. The older girls are softer but the young generation is very harsh. Intelligent but harsh.

Just an example to understand their mentality: we walked home after work and a random guy tried to talk to one of them that I would have just ignored, but she answered: “Don’t talk, give me money, pizdec!”

As I said earlier this business is a hard sales job. We must sell champagne and private dances. But for me, it’s a big difference HOW. I think in long term. If I make the customer relaxed, he would be happy to spend money on me and will come back later. The big difference is I care about the person who spends money on me, not just see him as a piggybank. I’ve never been the kind of dancer who ready to jump on the guy as soon as he opens the door. I’m not exceptional. I’m not the only one. There are other girls that don’t want to rip off the customers and still make money. But we are rare to find in strip clubs any more.

In these days when people think twice about what they spend their money on, it should be the dancer’s personal charm that convinces them to stay and spend money. Another day I had a customer who was completely frozen when he arrived (closed arms, legs and when I asked he gave me one-word answers) and later this guy left the club with a smile on his face and gave me a big hug saying “You’re great!” (No, I didn’t offer any extra. I just blew some magic powder to his eyes.) But I made money on him, he was happy, I was happy. For me, this is a great night.

Yesterday night was crazy. Girls were pushing and pulling drunk (or half dead) customers on the floor to make them pay.

“Do you want me? Let’s go drink! Be serious! You must pay! Where is your wallet? Give me your card!”

And they paid. (I’m not sure if they were aware of it what for.) One guy paid a bottle of champagne for two girls and when he saw the bottle in the ice bucket, he didn’t want to pay. He didn’t realise he paid already and his transaction went through.

At the other table, there were two guys, one bought a bottle of champagne for the girl, the other bought only wine. So one went downstairs to the VIP area, the other stayed on the main floor. Both were drunk. A little later he came up to check his friend, the girl followed him:

“You can’t sit here because of your friend. We must go downstairs.” And she grabbed his arm and took him back to the “dungeon”. (She made it sure that the other girl doesn’t get anything from her bottle of champagne. Rough, isn’t it?)

Another girl was struggling to have a second bottle from the guy. He was also drunk. She took his card and placed it in the card machine.

“You must pay! Put your PIN number here!” pointing her finger to the machine. (I don’t know what policy it is here that the girls are allowed to touch the customers’ wallet and cards..) And the barmaid:

“Just try, if it’s doesn’t work it’s OK.” holding the card machine that is almost touched his nose. But clearly, he didn’t want to pay more. He didn’t even know anymore if he’s male or female. When the girl realised he doesn’t pay, she tossed his card back to him.

“OK, nobody keeps you here. Get your card, your wallet and go home!” with not even a little kindness in her voice and she called the security. The guy who previously paid her a bottle of Dom Perignon was thrown out like a piece of garbage.

By witnessing these situations I really started to think about my future. I can’t keep up with these girls, and because they make money for the club, I have problems with the management because I don’t know how to work. Well, I don’t know how to rip off people, that’s for sure! But I’m sure all those customers have shock and headache next morning and they will never come back to this club again (not even close to it). My advice: put a limit on your card and you can’t spend more than you wish or don’t come to a strip club when you’re so drunk and you can’t see what is on the screen of the card machine. 1200 krone or 12000 krone is a big difference!

Unless you want to pay for being stupid…

Laura’s research into lapdance experienses 1.

I met a girl in Paris who told me she’s studying on university and how she entered the whole glittery pinky stripper world was that she went interviewing a few dancers in a local club to write an essay and she started to like the atmosphere and decided to work in clubs afterwards. See, not every girl’s doing it for money or because they have been forced to do so, but some also realise it’s such a good job to learn about our own sexuality and express ourselves. So after talking to her, I got an email from a lovely girl – let’s call her Laura – who asked my help to write her dissertation. “I am doing research for my dissertation, which is looking into the ways in which lap-dancing is empowering for women, but I also want to learn about the difficult parts of the industry! Basically, I just want to give an honest story. I have never done lap-dancing before so I cannot write from my own experiences, and I came across your blog and it is so interesting! You seem very honest about your work and you seem to have travelled and worked in many countries.” I thought such a brave girl to write about this subject and I’m happy to help if it doesn’t cost money so I said yes to her. And some of her questions are so intelligent and worth to write a whole post as an answer.

“How did you feel when a customer breaks the rules and touches your intimate area when giving them a naked lap dance? “

When I read this question the stories started to come to my mind. But I’m telling you the best one. I was working in Toronto, Canada where the club had a totally unique system. The customers chose the girls from a photo album with the help of the bookers. Those guys were walking around with a huge album in their hands any anybody wanted to have a lap dance, they suggested the girl who suits the best for them. We girls were not allowed to talk to customers, it was a sitting area for us or we could stay in the changing room (even for a quick nap). So because of that, there was no previous agreement on what I do in private and what I don’t. It was a whole forum on an internet site about which girl is a giver in the club and it was so popular amongst the customers. If I find it, I will link it here because it was so funny and entertaining to read. So basically the guy who booked me for dance was never so sure what he can get from me.

Once I got booked by a young guy for 30 mins. He was around 20. We went down to the private area, I seated him and started to dance. Without asking or saying anything, he started to unbutton his jeans. I didn’t say anything but gave him a bad look. He didn’t get the signal – or didn’t want to understand – and his hand slid down inside his trousers. I don’t let the customers jerk themselves during my dance so I told him to stop. He said OK. And then I changed my position, I danced a bit facing the wall and when I turned back his willy was out and it was a huge grin on his face.

“I told you not to do it!” (Jesus, this half an hour dance will be difficult!)

“OK, OK! I apologise.. but a little bit?”

“NO!”

But some really like testing the waters. I thought finally he got the message, I turned again to the wall. I bend over to take my panties off when I saw him between my legs what he’s doing. Of course, his trousers down on his hips and he was jerking. I really hate when I have to repeat myself again and again, and it seems this bloke was deaf or something not to hear what I was trying to say. I found a more effective way. I grabbed his beer from the small table where he put it, suddenly turned back and put it upside down into his trousers. The cold beer poured down on his erection and on his balls.

“Now I hope you understand what I was saying to you!”

He immediately jumped from the sofa and called me on every name you can imagine. I gave him back his dance tokens and left.

Dear man, if the dancer says not to do it, it means NOT TO DO IT! Once I had to listen to 30 mins lecture from my manager because my customer did the same when I danced showing my butt to him. My manager passed the curtains and she saw what’s going on and interrupted the dance. I told her I’m wearing my eyes on the front and I can’t see what he’s doing behind my back but she thought I let him do. Seriously I almost got fired just because the guy was not listening. Same with touching. In some clubs, they are very strict about it and I can get in trouble if they see it on the security cameras. What? If there are security cameras??? Of course, there are! Who would believe that there is no control over what’s going on in the VIP room? The clubs have to protect themselves if anything happens there.

But answering the question, it happened to me that the customer touched me in an inappropriate way – again I was showing my back to him and I did a sexy bend over. He thought it’s funny if he touches me between my legs. As I felt his finger on my private area I turn back and suddenly gave him a huge slap on his face.

“Never do it again!”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Get out!”

“But I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”

“Get the fuck out of here!!!”

I was cold as ice and he understood the fun is over and he left. After the security guy came to me asking why I finished the dance sooner. I told him what happened and he just shrugged his shoulder. “Hm, OK.”Of course, it was OK. It was no argument about paying back the dance or anything. Security can help to kick out an angry guy or step between the dancer and customer if it’s necessary. But behind closed doors (or curtains) I’m in control. And I have to make sure that nothing happening there that can harm me. I remember working as a hostess. Once we had a beautiful girl who never worked in this field before. She got chosen by a “good” customer and the guy paid her champagne bottle after bottle. As it was her first night, she easily lost her limits. And the control. After she was crying in the toilette because the guy tried to finger her through her tights and panties and she felt violated. That was her first and last night.

That’s MY body, I make the rules! I understand there are different clubs and in some clubs, you can get more, I also understand that the temptation is big, but if the dancer says NO, it means NO. It’s always better to ask than walking through the whole club with wet pants and it looks you just peed yourself during the private dance.