HeartBrokenStilettos

London makes me lazy

I saw this advert on the Picadilly line today “Don’t cook, just eat!” That was an online takeaway ad. I do takeaways or fast food sometimes when I’m on the go or I arrive home after a trip and there is no food in my fridge and that time everything is closed. OK, sometimes I’m so lazy to cook and that’s the easier way to pick up the phone and order.

But where is the pleasure of cooking? It’s OK to be lazy and just concentrate on the needs of the body. No effort. (Hopefully, you can lift up the fork alone and not lazy to eat.) But I go further. Fast food, fast sex. Have you ever thought about why are so many escort agencies in London? (or any big cities?) Hm? No effort. You don’t need to play by the rules, you don’t need to buy flowers and bonbons etc. just pick up the phone and order a girl.

In relationships are no real commitments. In overpopulated places a new, a better one always can cross your way. I had a French customer, he lived in London quite a long time before he moved back to Paris. And we discussed this several times. He said Paris as a capital still supports relationships more, but London not at all. You are always ready to leave. So many temptations! You have one foot in the relationship, but the other one is always ready to run away just because that bustie blondie gave you a smile on the corner. And it’s not only true about guys, girls are the same. Simply there is plenty of fish in the sea. But everyone dreams about a long-lasting relationship, where you are mine and I am yours, it just seems we can’t make a 100% sure clear decision to be with that person. Because what if? And this is not a way of an adult. When you are a teenage boy or girl, it’s OK, you have to go through different situations to learn your lessons. But I meet often guys in their fourties who think in the same way.

My favourite is the “married but looking” category. Looking for what? A big bang on your head from your wife when she finds out you’re advertising yourself that way on a dating website? The open relationship is fairer when both parts can look for pleasure outside of the relationship. But I guess the married but looking guy would be very offended if someone fucks his wife while he’s on a business trip.

It sometimes makes me laugh and sometimes sad. I know that urge for looking for something new it’s always there until there are other options. Like “Shall I go for the chicken curry or the pesto pasta salad?” Our community says you can have today this, tomorrow that. Just like ordering from the menu without any effort. But once you got your meal, stop looking at the next table what they are having!

My dog-lover ex

I love animals. Although I’m a cat person, I do love dogs as well. Ok, not those portable handbag dogs. They are cute but for me, the meaning of a dog starts somewhere a normal height. But after experiencing this story I was not able even to look at them for a while.

I was dating a guy who had a small female dog. Of course, I knew him from the club I used to work at that time. But I thought he is a fantastic man. We shared the same way of thinking, a similar mentality from the beginning, same interest. He was a strong character, manly, like a big silent warrior. You know the kind you know you can rely on. He will be there any time you need him. So what about the dog then? No, the story is not that bad as you think, but definitely one of the weirdest that ever happened to me.

For me, his relationship with his dog was acceptable but not quite alright. Maybe I was overreacting but sometimes he gave more attention to the dog than to me. I have made comments about it and he just said I’m jealous of the dog. But he also told me he loves her more than anything else and she has the priority in his life. Because she taught him what real love is. When we had sex I asked him not to let her in the room and he agreed. But when we finished he oped the door and the dog jumped in the bed. He immediately started to play with her, stroke her and I was scratching my head that WTF? I just gave him a blowjob and swallowed his sperm and he’s pampering the dog more than me? All those intimate moments have vanished in a second.

But the main issue was not that. When I first saw the dog humping and cuming on his arm I found the situation funny. Dogs do it on random things, sometimes on a toy or on your leg. The second time I still didn’t want to see the warning signals. But at the 3rd, 4th, 5th times it was bizarre! When I realised that is part of the daily routine, this fantastic, strong guy became so small in my eyes. He lost all my respect. But how can I respect a man who is misunderstanding his own feelings and project his love for a dog? Lonely people often do that but in a sexual way? I felt pity for him. And we had a huge argument. He didn’t want to understand why it’s a problem, animals need that too, it’s nature. Is it nature to pat me in the same way as the dog or using the same words when he made his dog cum than he used with me? That’s sick man!

Psychologically I understand him. He lost his mother and he suppresses lots of love and he became a sad person. Then he got the dog, someone that he can love and take care of. I just don’t know how it became linked with his sexual habits. I’d love to hear what a psychoanalyst would say about that.. how did this become such a habit for him, more important than a woman next to him? When we had an argument I even asked him if he knows that in some countries it’s legal to marry a dog (according to an Australian guy who married his labrador) All he could say it was that he promises me not to do it again front of me! He didn’t understand it’s just way too wrong! He thought it’s not a big deal. It is a big deal! He thought I’m asking him to choose between me and his dog. He didn’t get the point that I ask him to choose between me and his habit. I knew I have to make my decision to accept him with his dog or get my stuff and run away. I told him to ask any healthy-minded woman, none of them would expect that from a guy they want to build a relationship with. So the guy slowly disappeared from my life. In the end, I was the bad one who doesn’t like animals. I do like them. But I love and respect myself more than to stay in this situation.

I often wonder what if I’m not a dancer? Still, can I have all these interesting stories about dating and weird guys all over the planet? Or am I overreacting something here?

I’m curious what other women would do in the same situation…

Bon jour, Geneve!

Here’s I am again. I must say during a year period I was working in other places, here nothing changed. Every night the same faces. Some I truly missed. Good to see these people again and carry on the same conversion that we had a year ago. Like I had a young customer that we talked a lot about the Caribbean and Japan because he visited those places several times. And since we haven’t met I got to both places and now have lots of stories to share with him. That’s a shame I didn’t have his contact to send him a message that “Greetings from Japan!” But now I’m so happy to see and talk to him again.

I think I worked in this club on and off 5 months. Enough time to make friends and enemies. I have some good stories from this place although I didn’t enjoy every minute of working here. This is the only one place in Geneva that is not a cabaret. Cabarets are hundreds of them here, also private apartments. The prostitution is blooming here. Just on the next street behind the hotel where I stay, there are girls on the streets daytime wearing shorter skirts than I wear at work as a dancer. And some can give me a dirty look when I pass them, thinking I am a concurrency. I would not say I feel comfortable, but I try to ignore them. I’m not looking for trouble from my nature. Inside the club is a different story. This is the only one strip club in Geneva where sex is prohibited. Or at least this is what they say. Last year in my last month I got upset when almost every second guy asked me about special massage in the VIP. “Man, if you want a special massage, go to any cabaret and you can have anything you wish for!” But then I had to realise that some girls advertising this place for this kind of service and they obviously not only dance in the VIP. There were 2 girls that they took guys to their apartment provided by the club to make some extra money. How lovely is that? Forget about other dancers you share the apartment with. I never understand these girls why don’t go to work at any private apartment, they could make way more money than working in a strip club. Ok, here is less concurrency because not every girl offering the same service but still. As I heard both had trouble with the boss and they got fired after I left.

This time no different. Girls can leave with customers if the guy pays enough for the club. Other girls let finger themselves during the private dance which would be okay for me if the booths are not open. Everyone makes the money in the way she wants, but it’s disturbing when my customer sees what’s going on in the next booth and obviously he expects the same from me. Those girls have no respect for others. Or the one yesterday, basically she gave a guy a lapdance at the seating area, kissing and dry humping on him for free. I must say those customers are right when they complain about the quality of the girls here because they are getting more aggressive, more dirty, cheaper. Before I was working here with nice girls who know the business but this time very low class. And it’s a bigger problem when customers make the same comments.

Oh well, I just came back for 3 weeks and I was prepared for that. No big surprise. And as I said I met lovely guys here, I concentrate on them and don’t let those girls disturb me. There are sometimes when I don’t even want to talk to any of them and I don’t give an s*** what they think about me. As far as I see they compete with each other who can make more money and I never been interested in this kind of competition. I know how much I make and I know in what way, I never care about the other girls’ wallets. Like yesterday I didn’t make a penny but I quite enjoyed looking the others get wasted on champagne and making a show for everyone in the club. It was a weird night anyway, I even made a joke with the barman that it seems everyone is high on coke. Well, you might never know for sure.

Good bye Skegness!

Last week was raining. I thought this week won’t be different. But I’m happy for these days in this small room alone (in the one with the window!) because I can focus on more writing and I had time for some “emotional housecleaning”. This year I wanted to go to the pilgrim’s road to Santiago de Compostella but it requires some financial background what I don’t have this very right moment. Hopefully, my bank account balance will be more stable in the spring and I can rethink it. I have this feeling that I want to be a little isolated from people. I think it’s normal if you constantly work with people (drunk, stupid, arrogant and loud people..) to be alone in your own world to recharge your batteries. Skegness is the best from that point.

I arrived back yesterday. Everything is the same, except the weather. Hallelujah, the sun is shining this weekend! But it seems these are the last sunny days of the year. Today I took a nice long walk on the beach but there were not so many people there. Well, even the coach I took from London was almost empty. Last weekend when I came it was not full, but definitely more people came here for the weekend than this week. The summer is over I guess.

Even the club was empty yesterday. On a Friday evening! I had a few dances but we closed earlier because it was no point to be open. But I still like the people here. So different than in any big cities, they don’t have a business mind and they are so innocent. I had a customer last week, he doesn’t speak too much and he’s just sitting alone with his beer, but he asked me for a dance. When I got naked, I see sparks in his eyes like a little boy when he’s unwrapping his present under the Christmas tree. Bless him! I enjoyed the dance too, I felt special and appreciated. I wish every dance would be the same. He came back this weekend and he just constantly repeated me how beautiful, delightful, special I am. That’s a real ego-boost for me!

Even the women are nice that come to the club. I met 2 girls in their forties and in the first 5 minutes of the conversation they honestly told me that they were prostitutes and “we are in the same boat.” I had a good talk with them, I didn’t feel any competition and bitchiness than usually. You know, there are lots of things I can’t share with my girlfriends outside from the club business. Even they know a lot about my work they can not fully understand the situations. With these girls, we wear the same social stigmas and we can talk honestly about our experiences.

I will miss these kinds of people as these are my last days here. From next week I will jump again in the middle of the mind games as I go back to Switzerland on Monday. Let’s get back to the hardcore business!

I’m a stripper and you can ask anything you want to know..

Let’s play this game. You can ask me anything – seriously anything – about my work, I will give you an honest answer.

I got emails often and the most popular question is how I became a stripper. I used to get male attention since I started modelling at the age of 16. That time I had lots of fight with my dad – no real fights, no verbal or physical abuse, more of a cold war. He didn’t show interest in me, so I was seeking this attention somewhere else. Yes, in my case the psychological cliché as every stripper has daddy issues is true. But during my work years, I’ve seen the proof of the opposite too.

After portrait modelling, I started to do nude modelling. I was always proud of my body and I had trust in the photographers I worked with. I worked in Austria and Italy a lot so I got a bit of a chance to travel. But this time we only speak about artistic nude photography. Like a naked girl, painted in gold standing in the middle of a lake as a statue. Austrian photographers love bodypainting and they are quite creative. I really enjoyed those workshops. But of course, I met different photographers with different offers. I was relatively young and naïve, and the amount of money was very tempting. So slowly I got involved in the adult industry. But this I didn’t enjoy that much. I enjoyed spending the money I made (when I studied on the university, I’m sure in some months I got bigger salary than my teachers.) or I was happy when I could support my mum with a bigger amount but it came with shame.

The opportunity for dancing came on casting when I was talking with other girls and both were a dancer. I was curious so I asked the contact number of the guy that I can apply to. Very soon I went to Italy and after I was with him at the Austrian embassy signing a 3 months contract and waiting for my visa. The beginning was hard. I still remember the song when I first danced on stage. The other girls gave me enough alcohol not to remember what I was doing (thank God!) but I still remember the song was Get busy by Sean Paul.

When I finished the contract, I had 2 choices: I carry on dancing and I make more money, but then I lose the energy I already invested in my studies. That was after my 2nd year at the university, I was halfway to get my diploma and I’m not the kind of person who gives up easily. I decided to go back and finish my studies. I told myself “If I miss the spotlights, I still can work as a dancer afterwards.” But when I got my diploma, I forgot all about the stage, private dances, selling champagne and extra high stripper shoes. I wanted to have an average life. But that was a difficult time in my country, after a few failures in finding a good job I decided to move to England for 1-2 years. In Hungary, I was already thinking about trying out myself abroad when I was sitting in a job interview and listen to the guy offering me a job in another city, that meant minimum 2,5 hours travel every day, over time, limited access to grow for the minimum salary. That was all that my country could offer me. No, thank you. I quit. I went home from the interview and I bought a one-way ticket to England.

The first year I had a normal job as a nanny. Then I moved to London from the countryside and I found all those dodgy opportunities working at night. I started to work at a hostess club on Little Portland Street to improve my English. I was about talking and selling champagne but no dancing. It was great fun, good money, I didn’t look for other options. Then I changed the club and started to work at the Directors Lodge at St. James. That was the longest time I spent in one club, I worked there for almost 2 years. But still no dancing. Then I had a chance to change working in a restaurant where I was quite disappointed and not long after I was heading to Greece. (you can read more about in the Beginning 2. post)

Long story short, this is my life. This is what made me who I am today. Now I’m not ashamed anymore, I take full responsibility for all my decisions, without regrets. And today I’m brave enough to tell you that you can ask me ANYTHING, I will give you an honest answer.