life Archives - HeartBrokenStilettos

The judgement is yours. The lessons are mine.

This lifestyle still holds so many secrets. Some people have no clue about it. Men see the pretty girl on stage doing some erotic moves and slowly taking her clothes off while they fantasise what they would do with her body in private.

Dancing is the best aphrodisiac as the soft moves of the body helps to unblock the sexual energies.

Men like to watch a woman dancing because they can keep an eye on her from a distance seeing her whole body as it moves with the rhythm of the music and makes her irresistibly desirable for them. I know exactly what effects I make with my performance. Men enjoy watching the dance while women are more judgemental towards us. This is totally fine. But I want to point out that we dancers are normal people just like anybody else. We also cry and share the same feelings. Sometimes we are desperate or confused, and sometimes we want to give up everything for a man we trust, just like those women who never worked in this nightlife. I’ve seen many movies about strippers life, being constantly drunk and taking drugs, being forced into prostitution. I must say I have never been forced to do anything I didn’t want to do.

Maybe I was young, naive or a little drunk when I stretched my boundaries, but I wouldn’t consider myself deviant because of that.

The judgement is yours. The lessons are mine. Until today I have no regrets about my choice. If I had a chance to change my life, probably I would do everything in the same way I did in the past. It’s not only the easy money, not even the people I’ve met and the places I’ve seen but all the life lessons I’ve learned during this period. They made me strong without losing myself. They opened my eyes but still kept me cautious at the same time. I’ve learned a lot about myself, but most importantly I’ve learned how to handle my limits and how to push my boundaries further.

(From the book Bedtime Stories from Stripperland)

https://publioboox.com/en_gb/bedtime-stories-from-stripperland

Stripper with soul

Nobody warned me before that blogs are like tattoos.. if you have one, you always think about the second one. Or at least that is true in my case. (Am I graphoman?)

Right now spending some time home, I found my old poems and I decided to open another blog in Hungarian.

Although London gives me power and self-confidence, Hungary gives richness to my soul. And there is one layer of my heart that in English you will never be able to understand.

The translation is rough and it doesn’t do its justice. I think to translate a poem is the most difficult part of learning a language and I’m still not there yet. But here are some of my poems from a few years back:

I dreamt that you were

close to me, really close.

And when I wake up – maybe –

you are here next to me.

xxx

I’m an angel. I hug you with

my snow-white wings when you are cold.

You made them for me from fluffy clouds

so when you call me I’m ready to fly to you.

xxx

If I could transform into words

what I feel for you,

I’m afraid these feelings

would leave me forever.

xxx

I see you as an angel who broke his wings

and the memory of the pain

stops him from believing

that once he was able to fly.

Almost Miss Hungary

Linked to my previous post, in 2001 I went to a beauty pageant where I won the 2nd prize.

When I started modelling, I often travelled to Budapest for a test or portfolio shooting. Once I was waiting for the metro at Deak ter, when a short chubby guy stepped to me.

“Hey, you should apply to Miss Hungary! I’m the one who organises it!”

“Yeah, yeah..” and I turned my head to the opposite direction “Of course!”

The guy was quite arrogant and I was sure he was just trying to sell his BS to me in the hope of getting my number. I forgot about him quickly. The same year I watched Miss Hungary on the TV not having any other watchable program. I almost dropped the remote control when I saw that short guy on the screen! I started to laugh. Oh well, I missed my big chance having my 15 minutes of fame. My excuse, I’m not from the capital and I didn’t really follow the beauty pageants. Maybe I was naive but I had no idea who was that guy. But his approach was arrogant and I rejected him out of hand.

But then in 2001 I had my guts and applied to the one in my region, it is a big annual event there. I was selected for the final. The preparation was fun with trying different clothes, hairdressers, make-up artist, photographers. My favourite was to choose the wedding dress for one of the choreography. Every girl wanted to choose the big princess dress, but I trusted the lady’s taste who chose me a simple but very elegant dress which fits perfectly with my figure. (This dress is still waiting for me because they offered it for my big day.) I didn’t think about to win but I wanted to be a part of it. Among us, we knew who’s going to win anyway by the way how they treated the 3 girls differently. We had an open full-dress rehearsal where the judges were already there. I have this thing whenever I perform on stage, I like to have eye contact with customers otherwise I don’t even smile. I don’t see the point of making the effort to smile. What if nobody watches? So back then I did the process of learning the choreographies without a single smile. But at the rehearsal when there was an audience there, I shined on the stage! I got my million-carat smile, rehashed and showed it up.

Next day I felt the difference when I was sitting in the chair in the hair salon and 3 hairdressers tried to bring the best out of my hair. And in the evening – thanks for my smile – I stood up from nowhere to the 2nd place. And it was such a good feeling. It was not something I won because I slept with one of the judges or my mum was a friend of the organiser. I got it because of myself. And my family and close friends were so proud of me!

When I grew up..

I told you before I always wanted to travel even as a kid. And I also wanted to be on stage as a model or dancer. I remember I was maybe 12 years old when I made some clothes and we were playing a catwalk show with my sister and the girls from my neighbourhood. (The short period when I wanted to be an astronomer and I knew the name of the nebulas, doesn’t count here.) Then designing clothes became a part of the play. First I made them by hand, but later I learned how to use the sewing machine. Later I made my own clothes (and more importantly my mum let me wear them to school!) I even made a few for my friends too. Today I enjoy the great benefits of it when I design my costumes, although I never had a plan back in those days that one day I’ll perform as a stripper.

Also, I was about 12 when I started to write poems. I even won a prize once. Literally, the first money I ever made was from my writing skills. And from the money I won, my mum bought me a gold necklace with a small cross. “That will always remind you of the first money you earned!”

See where I am now? I travelled, I’m on stage, I do modelling and I’m about writing a book. Who told you, you can not reach your dreams???

The poem I wrote and it was read the front of the entire school was about my dreams, what I’d like to see in this world. The first part was about the sea. You think it’s not a big deal, but it is indeed for 12 years old who was living in a country with no beachside and the country just came out of the communist era. The second part was about Africa and a real safari with no cages. Done. 7 months lived in Cape Town was one of my biggest adventures so far. The third part was about landscapes, mountains, waterfalls. And I was lucky enough to see the Mt. Fuji and the Niagara. It sounds crazy that you write down at the age of 12 what you’d like to reach and 20 years later you look back and you say “Damn, I’ve done all!” It’s like making a wish list to the Universe “Hello, these are my dreams. Please, help me to reach them!”

My mum was always supportive and I love her dearly. Then I was a rebel at the age of 15 and I had a wild period (who doesn’t at that age?) I remember when I wanted to go to a party wearing fishnet tights and a leather miniskirt, my mum literally stood in the door hands on the side “you’re not going anywhere dressed like this!” Of course I didn’t measure the danger what could happen if I stood in the bus stop dressed like a hooker (we were living in a small village and the bus stop was on the main road where the truck traffic was quite high) God knows what could happen, but I was so focused on going to that party and I was so upset at her stopping me! Good old days. Now 20 years later we always have a good laugh about this story. But besides going to that party, I got everything I ever dreamed of as a kid.

My best moments of being a stripper

I got a question from a reader that if I’m not so happy in my profession why did I choose this one. I think I wrote down enough time that I chose this because it was a good opportunity to travel. But I started dancing 7 years ago. 7 years is a long period and people change. I also changed. I was happy doing this job but now when I travelled from Canada to China, I have different goals in my life and I look for other options. I think it’s absolutely normal in a person’s life when she/he realises it’s time to make certain changes. 7 years I showed to the world my sexy body. Now I feel it’s time to show that I also have a beautiful soul!

And about my best moments.. here are they:

That’s a photo montage I selected from my Facebook albums. I only used the photos where I’m alone, I don’t want to cause trouble to other dancers who wish to keep their identity a secret. But if I had never chosen to live in this way, I couldn’t have these pictures. As my mum used to say: “These are the memories that nobody can take away from you!”