dating Archives - Page 3 of 4 - HeartBrokenStilettos

Minasan konnichiwa! Greetings from Japan!

Well, I was so happy and excited to come to this country and I’m not saying I’m disappointed but I’ve never thought that it would be the one of the hardest work I’ve ever done. They have a totally different system and I think I need months to get used to it. Physically it’s already a lot, I work minimum 8 hrs a day and I have only 2 days off a month. I say minimum 8 hrs a day because if I go out for dinner with one of my customers before work it already feels I’m working. And there is something I must do here if I want to keep the regulars.

The American system is easy. You go on stage, do your show or some private dances, people give you tips. In Europe more about drink commission. The Asian system is about how you can catch the regular customers that will visit you in the club. This system was not unfamiliar to me as in Macau we also had to do the “call requests” which means I had a local phone only for business and I had to exchange numbers with customers to keep in touch with them. But there it didn’t really work as we had lots of tourists from different countries and maybe they come back only after I finish my contract. Here in Japan, it works in the same way. I got a mobile from the club and I have to give my number to the customers. And I have to call them ALL the

time! It’s strange because in some clubs in Europe I’m not even allowed to keep my mobile with me or even I need to put them in a locker that I can only open with the presence of the manager. And I could get in deep trouble if somebody sees me that I give my number to someone. But Japanese guys like to be called. And they happy to come back to the club or take you out for dinner if you make this effort.

The other thing is so strange for me is “my customer, your customer”. Basically I can not even look at other girls customer but I have to be polite till the highest level. And there is a very thin line between being polite and flirting with someone – especially for me when it’s a tiny little alcohol and I love everybody! – as I noticed guys misunderstand it very easily. But for me, even the “my customer” term is strange as I always say everybody is free and I don’t own people so how he can be mine? OK, maybe he comes to see me often but it’s not a big deal if one day he decides to take someone else. But the Russian girls don’t think in the same way and they are ready to chop my head off if I make a mistake.

The next thing I don’t know how to deal with here that’s the alcohol. If I don’t become an alcoholic during the work here, then never! Just today I had maybe 20

gin&tonic and a half bottle of champagne. In the beginning, I started with gin&tonic, then only tonic, and the end it was only ice and sparkling water in my glass because I couldn’t even take the smell of the tonic any more. Luckily there is an option for that. But if it’s not my regular customer or if they open a bottle, obviously I can not drink green tea at the table.

And about Japanese mentality: I had a customer that I had a good talk with, nice and polite guy. Later he told “Mama”, my boss, that if I can except he would like to date me. I said OK, let’s see what’s going to happen next. We exchanged a few messages but meanwhile, he organised everything with Mama and he just sent me that “Tomorrow we have a date.” I asked to let me know what time is good for him. All day no message. I thought he changed his mind. Just right before work, he replied that “Around 3 am after work” First of all I can’t leave the club before 4 am. Secondly, my European mind couldn’t take this. In the morning after work you could call it a quick f*** but for sure not a date!

I got a bit mad but then I was busy with other customers so I forgot about him. Around 3 am he appeared and he requested me. And he thought not even we have a date but I will go to Tokyo (which is maybe 50 minutes drive) with him to his place! I was polite but cold as an Ice Queen showing him that this time he got a difficult one because if he wants to take me for a proper date it should be dinner time and don’t even think that I will go to a total stranger’s home that far. He got upset, asked the bill and just left. Great! One problem less.

But after all, he told Mama – not ME! – that if I change my mind, call him… so this is the thing that he can wait for till the end of time! And when I told it to my Russian friend who managed me to come here, she was just smiling and all she told me was: “Welcome to Japan!”

Why I’m single and the reason behind

I’ve heard so many times from guys: “I don’t believe that you are single.” You believe it or not, I am. I usually tell customers that it’s not easy to find the right one when I’m always on the go. (Sometimes I’m actually very tempted to say yes, of course, I have one in every capital!) But I really mean it. 2 weeks here, 3 months there, it’s not enough time to build up a committed relationship. And if I find someone nice that we have the vibe, from the beginning it’s determined as we both know I don’t stay long. I haven’t found the person or place that’s worth enough to make me stop and stay.

That is a lie itself. I’ve found that special person or at least I thought so. We met just a few weeks before my contract finished. We had some special time together than he took me to the airport and I left him with a promise to keep in touch. I left him not even another country but another continent.

And the magic came through emails. I have no idea how it happened or when I fell for him, but truly he became my strongest relationship with someone. He became my greatest support, best friend and someone I could talk freely about anything. And he was 3500 miles away! Since then I believe in long distance relationships.

He appreciated and accepted me in the way I am (vice versa) more than any person physically close to me for more than 2 years. And guess what? End of the day I wasn’t good enough for him. Basically, he chose the most coward way and he just disappeared. I know that time he had problems but he chose “being selfish and isolated”. I gave him the maximum of time to deal with his own problems as I know men need that and I was not nagging with stupid questions. But months later there was still no contact and explanation. Of course “sorry for being distant” messages yes, but not a real reason why he chose to end it up in that way. Why he pushed me away. I’ve been just left alone with my guess. And this is the most soul-killing solution that a guy can do for a woman. Even the painful truth is better. Maybe I cry for a day or two, but then I know the show must go on.

That time I was working in Macau, China, and he has no idea but he really gave me a hard time. Not because he stopped communicating, but because I had no idea what’s going on. I even started to blame myself. I couldn’t concentrate my own work, I was not even able to smile sometimes. In a 2 months period, I was just a shadow of myself. Now it’s over, the strong woman is back, who able to fight with anything with the greatest smile. Thanks to my dear friends for the support and lifting up my spirit and I apologise to those who had no chance to get to know the real me because I was in my own little world liking my wounds. So after that long time: Life Is Beautiful and Good Morning Sunshine!

And as someone asked me about, I have to make a statement that’s nothing wrong with my sexual life! Well, I have blood in my veins (OK, sometimes it’s mixed with lots of champagne but it’s still mainly blood) I don’t have a relationship but it doesn’t mean I’m not dating. Even when I had this long distance relationship or special friendship (or whatever label you want to use) I was seeing guys. That was a kinda silent arrangement between us, he never asked me about that and I didn’t either. We are only humans and our body has needs. And we are adults enough to understand that. But back to dating, I don’t date with anybody. The guy I want to date with needs to catch my attention. Not with a good look or money. But he needs to have that special something. He needs to know how to treat a woman. Some date, of course, can fail and I say I don’t even want to see that guy again. But when it comes to sex, I like to take the time to get in the mood with a dinner and a bottle of good wine. Maybe two.

I guess this is when people say it’s not a matter of quantity but quality. And I definitely go for quality things in my Life. And until I find my Mr Right, I will enjoy dating.

Bitches vs. Doormats

If you want to call me a bitch you’re allowed to. If you think I’m strong, I don’t let a man think he has a hold on me if you think I can stand up for myself and I don’t chase a man, you’re right. In that case, if every strong woman is a bitch, you can call me one. Because I know what I want, I do not compromise and I’m still very feminine on the surface. And being called a bitch is still better than being called a doormat.

I have a very good example of the latter. Some girls are incredible desperate having a relationship and they even try to convince themselves that their relationships work and it’s good for them. The fears come from different backgrounds, not having enough self-esteem, they need control from the outside, they think someone can make them happy rather than make themselves happy, etc. Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves. And they give too much in their relationships. I mean way TOO much! A friend of mine once has been called out for dinner at 11 pm! In the rain. And she happily put some make-up and shoes on and left the house. There is no guy in the entire Universe that can call me out after 8 pm for a date! Where is the self-respect here?

I don’t want to analyse the whole thing from the guy’s side and I don’t want to judge him either. But at some point, I’d like to hear his opinion. My problem is my friend. To see her in a relationship waiting. Waiting for his phone calls, waiting to see him, waiting that the guy wants to settle down, waiting when he decides to move in together, waiting, just waiting. That’s the worst thing that a woman can do in her early thirties. Waiting and wasting her best years because she’s living in a dream. She sees what she wants to see. As they say: The eyes are useless when the mind is blind. And she loves to give advice to others about their dates or relationships what really started to piss me off lately. I don’t know how long I’m able to shut my mouth.

In my opinion, men are hunters. They are more turned on by a powerful woman because it’s a trill to them to take her down. A high-calibre guy wants a self-respecting woman who has an appetite for her own Life and won’t let someone walk all over her. That’s why even my friend calls me a bitch. Not to face to face, of course! For example, she never understood how I’m able to accept gifts from my dates. Because I simply deserve it! (And she doesn’t even know that that was kinda training for me to accept any presents or help from a man who is not my partner. Sometimes my pride was bigger than the desire to have that gift.) She calls me a bitch because in her opinion it’s not possible if I don’t treat them right sexually. She doesn’t know how to accept something, only to give. She never learnt to keep the balance between giving and accepting. That you shouldn’t give more than you get back in return. She never understood these things but she easily judges others. She has a normal life, a normal job. She never worked in the night. She knew when I worked in London as a hostess, living together was not easy to lie about it and I didn’t even want. She knows that I’m doing the same in different countries now, I never mentioned her when I started to dance. I didn’t see the point. But with all these travels, all the new experiences, with new people around me, she sees that I’m happy and easily succeed in my goal.

She is a nice girl. TOO nice! But in a relationship, she’s not able to stand up for herself and for her own needs. And“when a nice girl needs a man too much and puts him on a pedestal, she treats him with a view of himself that even he doesn’t hold. And it makes him uncomfortable because he knows (better than anyone) that he ain’t no a white knight.” (Sherry Argov: Why Men Love Bitches)

I don’t know what is going to happen next. Probably they will struggle together for more years and make each other unhappy. Both have no strength to quit. But this is an unhealthy situation. I just hope soon they will be able to solve it in one way or another. But meanwhile, I’m happy bitching around.

To meet Mr Player

He has a name but I would prefer to call him Mr Player. This given name perfectly describes his real nature. I met him at the club. The first sight I noticed his cute face but I knew from previous experience that I don’t need to get close to this type of guy. This type I just call eye-candy. They are good to look at but you know what to do with a lollipop when you can’t have it all: just throw it in the rubbish bin.

But my eye-candy guy decided to talk to me. His words were sweet just like his face.

“Oh girl, it’s not going to end up well!” said to myself. And usually, I’m good with these feelings…

So he came to me saying that I’m afraid of him. Oh yes, very much!!! Next time he was holding my hand and he said some things like he is working hard and he has a few companies and he is a nice guy but I didn’t pay much attention what he was saying. I listened to my own body and it said: “you want to have sex with that guy”.

Then he started his game.

“If you want to go sailing, I can arrange something. Just call me. Here they know me, you can ask my number from the manager or other girls.”

WTF? I should investigate if I want his number? He can not be serious! But he was. I told him I won’t do it, but if he gives me his number I will call him. He suddenly disappeared. That moment I realised he is my Mr Player guy. If a girl wants his number, she should work on it a bit harder. All my built-in censors sent me a sign “Be careful” with him. But at the same time as he held my hand was something exciting. I’m more proud and discrete then ask his number of any of my colleges but I started to look up him on Facebook. It wasn’t so easy, but I found him. I have some very useful detective skills and I usually get what I want so these two mixed together means I will find what I’m searching for. I sent him a message. He replied late saying he doesn’t check his Facebook so often. Let’s say I believed him. A couple of innocent, flirting messages.

Later he came back to the club. He sent me a text saying “See you tonight BABE!” so I expected him that night. He arrived and even without looking at me he sat at one of the tables in the opposite corner. Hm, that’s going to be interesting. Quickly understood the situation that he’s waiting for me to make the first move. Usually, I would just say f*** off immediately. But now I was hesitating a bit but my feelings won over my pride and I went to his table. After a short talk, he asked me what I want from him. I pretended not to understand. “I’m still waiting,” said with a satisfied smile. Mr Player played very well. I didn’t know how I can get out of the situation as a winner. Finally shyly told him “I want to make love with you” He smiled. I knew what he is playing and I was welcome in the game. He needed to hear it to make the next step. But at the same time, I quickly understood that his self-satisfied smile hides an unsecured character who needs all this positive reinforcement.

He took me to a private dance. He put his hands on both sides, just like with a Go on girl, do your job! attitude. I tried to seduce him. I think I did well as he couldn’t longer resist touching my body. So I passed the test. I was sure that we can have great sex, the matter is only the time. He left me with a promise that we are going to spend the next Monday together. It seemed easy. I want sex, he wants sex, I like him, he likes me. But I almost got a heart attack when he asked me to take the other girls with me! Not because I’m against to chill with his friends or have a house party but I should ask the girls to come with me? I told him if he wants them to come he should invite them himself. (I’m still not a big friend with the French girls here.) The second thing I understood about him that he is manipulating people. I bet he is a single child who got everything from his parents or he has an older brother or sister who was a pioneer before him and fights all the battles with the parents what a kid needs to, and he’s had the beaten track front of him. These people never really learn how to fight for something and they become a bit lazy in interactions with others.

So I was in the middle of the game. And I didn’t mind to be there. As you know the rules and you have the choice to be there, you can not be hurt. I know that. I had a very good teacher previously how to play hard. End of a 1 year “special friendship” we both were hurt badly. I remember our last night with that guy when his bodyguard stepped between us because I was ready to be violent! And God knows what’s happening if I hit first! But this is another story. This guy is softer and maybe a bit too young. Or I’m more experienced with the game now.

Monday. That was funny enough that the girl who previously had an affair with him organised the other girls to come with me with the reason me to get laid down by him. OK, sharing is caring, but if someone tells me that story probably I won’t believe. It feels like I’m taking a whole supporting team with me for a one night stand. They just need to decide who’s going to be the cheerleader. The girls had drinks and shisha, so they were okay. I don’t want to share the dirty details here but he would get 10 out of 10 for his technical performance. But emotionally he couldn’t satisfied me and for a woman is also important or even more important. I didn’t expect a big thing but I like the feeling when I’m able to fall in love with someone for that 30 minutes although I know I won’t see him again. Oh well, he has more to learn about a woman.

After he said he’s going home because he has lots of work on the following day. BUT I can stay with his friend! That point I was laughing inside. He is offering his friends company when I came only because of him? Actually, I had so much fun to analyse the night. It’s like I was there but a part of me was watching the whole situation from the outside. During sex, I wanted to kill that part but if a guy can not do the magic trick to switch off my brain..well, no needs to explain. I don’t blame him, I think Mr Player kinda did his best but the circumstances were awkward to me. But it seemed it works for him. In his car, on the way back home I tried to read him. And I put the picture together. I’m pretty sure he is a nice guy inside but very hard to open up. As he said he is a loner. And I believe so. I think he has a kind of suspicious nature and people have to prove their trustworthiness before he let them close. Once they are there, he would do everything for them, he can be extremely loyal and supportive I guess. But if you can not manage to get into that inner circle, you stay on his playlist. And people are happy to be there. I noticed one thing around him, that every time he came to the club he was followed by a big branch of people. He is like a kinda leader for them who knows where is the best place to go and worth to be followed, and they are there to feeding his Ego. They live happily ever after in a perfect symbiosis.

I saw the mask he was wearing. But there were a few moments when I think I could see behind. I saw that inside he is sensitive, insecure, he is not a shallow person but a deep thinker and he has great values. And I saw that he is definitely would deserve the time to get to know him better. Time, what I don’t have as I’m staying only for a couple of days longer. So I took my place on his playlist. I even asked him not to come to the club after.

He took me home and he said he’s going to sleep. I had a feeling that he goes back to his friends place so I just said good night to him. I got what I wanted, what he is doing after is not my business. I let him think I believe. Later the French girls told me without even asking them that he went back and even wanted to fuck the other girls. I wasn’t surprised at all. I’m not pretty sure that I have to believe also that he offered money for them, because he’s a good looking guy who doesn’t really need to do such a thing, but if it makes him happy. I knew he was going back anyway. And I trust more my instincts than any man on Earth! As I knew he is a fucker (sorry for my English). But basically, I don’t care if he fucked half of the island previously, with that cute face, if I were him I would do the same.

He came back to the club on Wednesday. He said he doesn’t like rules and he doesn’t do what others ask him to do. Typical! I was not so happy to see him. He paid me a drink but while we were talking he was looking for stuff on eBay. Such big respect! At that very moment, I was tempted to dip his mobile into his glass! But I only smiled. I asked him how was the party after I left, letting him know that I know about everything. He answered but I only heard “I blah blah blah….” For me, the game was over.

He said he is hard to read. But I told him I’m good at it. He says exactly what the other wants to hear. If I want a bad guy, he is. If I want a good guy, he is maybe able to put the glasses on and play a geek. But why is so difficult for some guys just to be fair and upfront? Mr Player guy barely has a chance to find one more girl in this club like me. And I hope he is fully aware of that. Not because I’m special but because I play fair. I’m intelligent enough to see the higher correlations. And we have more common as he could think. We both have the inner strength and we don’t wear our heart on the sleeve but I’ve learned how to put my cards on the table without fear and not losing myself in the game.

Who shouldn’t date with a girl who travels..

It’s a rainy morning in the Caribbean, not really a good time to go to the beach. So I’m surfing on the Internet and I found a very interesting article that I can not leave without words. Actually after reading it has a stronger effect on me than my morning coffee! The title is “Don’t date a girl who travels” Here you can read the whole article:

http://www.lovethesearch.com/2013/05/dont-date-girl-who-travels.html

There is another article about why you should “Always date a girl who travels” :

http://kittyandsanta.wordpress.com/2014/01/29/always-date-a-girl-who-travels/

Reading both blogs I recognised myself. A girl who travels “doesn’t work like a robot all day, she goes out and takes what life has to offer and challenges you to do the same. She speaks her mind. She is too independent and won’t care whether you travel with her or not.” “She lives out of a suitcase and sleeps on the floor. She’s independent and strong. She will continue to show you that being here on Earth is a spontaneous blessing with jaw-dropping views around every corner. She will continue to pursue her dreams until she succeeds, she will never give up on anything she wants. “Yes, that’s ME! These words describe me perfectly.

And you shouldn’t date me for the same reasons above if you are needy, nerdy, a momma’s boy, if you are too cautious or too insecure. I’m a light bulb in the dark for those guys, they find me extremely attractive but nothing long-term could work between us. I was reading enough self-help books about relationships but at the end of the day, I had the same conclusion after each book. A woman has to be extraordinary patient, give enough room to her man, not yelling, not nagging, appreciate every small move he does but I didn’t find a book teaching a man to be more patient, not being obsessive and give enough freedom to his woman. I got enough “I help you” and “I’ll take you away from this job” offers but none of them questioned maybe this is what I want to do! It seems hard to believe that some girls in this job have more in their head than in a doll’s head in the shopping window and we can’t take that someone tells us what to do with our lives.

I love to surprise people!

Thanks for all those years of travels and experience, I’m able to keep a good conversation (with an intelligent man). And if he is not so intelligent, the game starts. Not long ago I had a customer who thought he can buy me just like he buys a bag of apple in the market. He put all his credit cards on the bar showing all his advantage (definitely that’s all he has) but I thought he fall off the chair when I told him “you have to have more to convince me to talk to you” He didn’t understand what I mean and he was pretty upset that I refused to dance to him after all. Luckily my boss wasn’t around. The guy just called me a bitch and he left. (I’m wondering sometimes why they call these places Gentleman’s Clubs..) This guy definitely doesn’t need to date me!

As my friend from Sweden told me after reading this blog that he remembers me “not only as an extremely beautiful girl but mainly as a very interesting person to have a conversation with. As a representative of the male gender, I have to claim that some of us are able to listen even when we are affected by our feelings.”I have no doubts. I just wish I could meet this type more often.