B. Lindsay Belan, Author at HeartBrokenStilettos

My Life on ModelMayhem

I was hesitating if I should or should not give a face to this blog. But some of you requested in private message. Well, I don’t think I do wrong if I share my model profile here. Some fantasies can become more exciting and intense! 🙂

Here it is:

http://www.modelmayhem.com/2910113

Even I travel a lot I always try to make some time to pose to the camera. A dancer always needs new pictures for her portfolio anyway. And I enjoy it. Not like I have any commercial purpose with the pictures but I enjoy the creativity during shooting. I like to create something together with the photographer.

I started modelling when I was 16. A long time ago… I never took it too seriously, I never dreamed about a big carrier in this industry. It was simply fun. And when I turned 18, the photographer came to my mum to ask her permission if I can do some nude pictures with him. Why not? I never had any problem with my shape, so I thought I can’t do it wrong. And we talk about artistic nude photography here! So I went to Slovakia to the Polish board with a group of photographers. The landscape was breathtaking, with some sharp mountainous rocks over a rolling river. We went down on the river with a float and decided to walk back on a path on the riverbank. Whenever the background was nice, we stopped to take pictures. Can you imagine? Me naked sitting on a rock above the river while people enjoy their raft trip down. One raftsman noticed me and he even dropped his scull into the water. I think it was not something he expected looking up the mountains. 🙂 But the winner story is when later I worked with a photographer in Vienna. We went up to the viewpoint where you can see the whole city under. It’s quite a popular and tourist spot. Me posing wearing only high heels and all the Chinese tourists are taking pictures of me not Vienna’s view. They didn’t even try to hide! I smile when I think of how many Chinese guys put my pictures in their albums about Vienna at home. The city where some crazy chicks walk around naked! Thank God, that was before Facebook and Instagram. Yeah, Chinese definitely have something to do with photography. Even in Macau once I went to work on the bus and a Chinese lady just stroke her iPhone to my face and took a photo. I was extremely surprised. I can imagine my face on the picture.. but the funny part that she started to show around my photo to her friends… just in front of me. I know, it was weird.

These days I mainly do pin-up and burlesque themed photography. These are the most suitable for my style. Boudoir and artistic nude are also exceptional. And lately, I discovered that fetish modelling also suits me. Not like in my private life I want to wear latex or beat up someone or beaten up by someone, but there is something in it. It’s good for a role play as we don’t take it seriously. And doing fetish modelling leads into some strange offers.. Last year I just got the following email:

“Hello, we are looking for girls for a new website all about girls getting revenge on men. The girls will be kicking them where it hurts. Decent money. Real kicking! Serious offer. Interested?”

I was laughing at it for days! It’s really happening to me? (BUT I must say sometimes I regret that I didn’t answer. Sometimes I’m very tempted to do something similar when I meet an extremely stupid guy.)

As a final conclusion, I’m happy that I found ModelMayhem. It’s great! And wherever I go I can find a photographer to work with. Switzerland, Macau, Iceland, Luxembourg or even now in Guadeloupe I worked with guys I met on that site. And I’m very thankful. Not only for the great photos but the good time we spent together and some became more of a friend for me. Keep up the good work!

Have you seen the movie Taken?

One of my colleagues asked me this question when I told her the following story. We were working in Switzerland together and shared the same room. Probably that is the only one lap dancing club in Geneva, not the cabaret type where basically all the prostitutes work. But our club was recently visited by Albanians.

Once I worked in Salzburg. My last night I met two Albanian guys in the club, they were nice and polite and they just mentioned that the next day they travel to Vienna by car. The next day I needed to take the train to Vienna too so we agreed to meet at the train station. The deal was if they come there, they can take me by car, if they don’t, I buy the ticket. They didn’t show up so I was queuing and ready to pay for the trip myself. Suddenly one of them arrived saying sorry a thousand times for the delay but something was wrong with the car. We had a coffee at the station and they said they are waiting for one more guy. He arrived, they helped me with my suitcase, it was pretty heavy and we sat in the car. I was innocent and naïve, and absolutely happy that I don’t need to lift up heavy bags. We even had a good laugh.

After 20 minutes drive, I looked out the window. Something was strange. We should have been on the highway already, but we were still in a suburb area. I started to feel uncomfortable. The red light went on. What if these guys were lying? Am I really in trouble? Calm down, calm down… I looked every possible way to escape and that was a moment when I was even ready to jump out of the moving car if it’s necessary. My heart was beating so fast and I was sweaty.

The car slowed down and stood up in a driveway. My hand was on the handle. I was thinking to leave my bag with my passport and all my documents behind and just run. They got off the car and the third guy we were waiting for at the station, lean against my door. He was quite big and strong, I had no chance to open that door. They were talking in Albanian. In my mind, they already negotiated what price they are going to ask for me. I slowly moved toward the other door on the back seat. I was just about to reach the handle when I saw them from the corner of my eyes moving… AND shaking hands! The big guy suddenly turned and looked at me through the window, and said “Bye and good luck in Vienna!” and to the others said thank you for taking him home.

A stone fell from my heart and I could breathe again. I was laughing inside and I was ashamed at the same time. But I learned 2 lessons for a lifetime:

1. Not to judge somebody according to ethnicity, religion or skin colour.

2. I trust my instincts. But it’s more important to use my brain in certain situations.

The two guys took me to the place I needed to go, they even apologised that they couldn’t take me to the door because it was a one-way road and they had no more time to go around. And they didn’t even ask my number or anything. My story ended up in a better way than in the movie. Luckily, because my dad wouldn’t come to rescue me and kill half of the Balkan!

To meet Mr Player

He has a name but I would prefer to call him Mr Player. This given name perfectly describes his real nature. I met him at the club. The first sight I noticed his cute face but I knew from previous experience that I don’t need to get close to this type of guy. This type I just call eye-candy. They are good to look at but you know what to do with a lollipop when you can’t have it all: just throw it in the rubbish bin.

But my eye-candy guy decided to talk to me. His words were sweet just like his face.

“Oh girl, it’s not going to end up well!” said to myself. And usually, I’m good with these feelings…

So he came to me saying that I’m afraid of him. Oh yes, very much!!! Next time he was holding my hand and he said some things like he is working hard and he has a few companies and he is a nice guy but I didn’t pay much attention what he was saying. I listened to my own body and it said: “you want to have sex with that guy”.

Then he started his game.

“If you want to go sailing, I can arrange something. Just call me. Here they know me, you can ask my number from the manager or other girls.”

WTF? I should investigate if I want his number? He can not be serious! But he was. I told him I won’t do it, but if he gives me his number I will call him. He suddenly disappeared. That moment I realised he is my Mr Player guy. If a girl wants his number, she should work on it a bit harder. All my built-in censors sent me a sign “Be careful” with him. But at the same time as he held my hand was something exciting. I’m more proud and discrete then ask his number of any of my colleges but I started to look up him on Facebook. It wasn’t so easy, but I found him. I have some very useful detective skills and I usually get what I want so these two mixed together means I will find what I’m searching for. I sent him a message. He replied late saying he doesn’t check his Facebook so often. Let’s say I believed him. A couple of innocent, flirting messages.

Later he came back to the club. He sent me a text saying “See you tonight BABE!” so I expected him that night. He arrived and even without looking at me he sat at one of the tables in the opposite corner. Hm, that’s going to be interesting. Quickly understood the situation that he’s waiting for me to make the first move. Usually, I would just say f*** off immediately. But now I was hesitating a bit but my feelings won over my pride and I went to his table. After a short talk, he asked me what I want from him. I pretended not to understand. “I’m still waiting,” said with a satisfied smile. Mr Player played very well. I didn’t know how I can get out of the situation as a winner. Finally shyly told him “I want to make love with you” He smiled. I knew what he is playing and I was welcome in the game. He needed to hear it to make the next step. But at the same time, I quickly understood that his self-satisfied smile hides an unsecured character who needs all this positive reinforcement.

He took me to a private dance. He put his hands on both sides, just like with a Go on girl, do your job! attitude. I tried to seduce him. I think I did well as he couldn’t longer resist touching my body. So I passed the test. I was sure that we can have great sex, the matter is only the time. He left me with a promise that we are going to spend the next Monday together. It seemed easy. I want sex, he wants sex, I like him, he likes me. But I almost got a heart attack when he asked me to take the other girls with me! Not because I’m against to chill with his friends or have a house party but I should ask the girls to come with me? I told him if he wants them to come he should invite them himself. (I’m still not a big friend with the French girls here.) The second thing I understood about him that he is manipulating people. I bet he is a single child who got everything from his parents or he has an older brother or sister who was a pioneer before him and fights all the battles with the parents what a kid needs to, and he’s had the beaten track front of him. These people never really learn how to fight for something and they become a bit lazy in interactions with others.

So I was in the middle of the game. And I didn’t mind to be there. As you know the rules and you have the choice to be there, you can not be hurt. I know that. I had a very good teacher previously how to play hard. End of a 1 year “special friendship” we both were hurt badly. I remember our last night with that guy when his bodyguard stepped between us because I was ready to be violent! And God knows what’s happening if I hit first! But this is another story. This guy is softer and maybe a bit too young. Or I’m more experienced with the game now.

Monday. That was funny enough that the girl who previously had an affair with him organised the other girls to come with me with the reason me to get laid down by him. OK, sharing is caring, but if someone tells me that story probably I won’t believe. It feels like I’m taking a whole supporting team with me for a one night stand. They just need to decide who’s going to be the cheerleader. The girls had drinks and shisha, so they were okay. I don’t want to share the dirty details here but he would get 10 out of 10 for his technical performance. But emotionally he couldn’t satisfied me and for a woman is also important or even more important. I didn’t expect a big thing but I like the feeling when I’m able to fall in love with someone for that 30 minutes although I know I won’t see him again. Oh well, he has more to learn about a woman.

After he said he’s going home because he has lots of work on the following day. BUT I can stay with his friend! That point I was laughing inside. He is offering his friends company when I came only because of him? Actually, I had so much fun to analyse the night. It’s like I was there but a part of me was watching the whole situation from the outside. During sex, I wanted to kill that part but if a guy can not do the magic trick to switch off my brain..well, no needs to explain. I don’t blame him, I think Mr Player kinda did his best but the circumstances were awkward to me. But it seemed it works for him. In his car, on the way back home I tried to read him. And I put the picture together. I’m pretty sure he is a nice guy inside but very hard to open up. As he said he is a loner. And I believe so. I think he has a kind of suspicious nature and people have to prove their trustworthiness before he let them close. Once they are there, he would do everything for them, he can be extremely loyal and supportive I guess. But if you can not manage to get into that inner circle, you stay on his playlist. And people are happy to be there. I noticed one thing around him, that every time he came to the club he was followed by a big branch of people. He is like a kinda leader for them who knows where is the best place to go and worth to be followed, and they are there to feeding his Ego. They live happily ever after in a perfect symbiosis.

I saw the mask he was wearing. But there were a few moments when I think I could see behind. I saw that inside he is sensitive, insecure, he is not a shallow person but a deep thinker and he has great values. And I saw that he is definitely would deserve the time to get to know him better. Time, what I don’t have as I’m staying only for a couple of days longer. So I took my place on his playlist. I even asked him not to come to the club after.

He took me home and he said he’s going to sleep. I had a feeling that he goes back to his friends place so I just said good night to him. I got what I wanted, what he is doing after is not my business. I let him think I believe. Later the French girls told me without even asking them that he went back and even wanted to fuck the other girls. I wasn’t surprised at all. I’m not pretty sure that I have to believe also that he offered money for them, because he’s a good looking guy who doesn’t really need to do such a thing, but if it makes him happy. I knew he was going back anyway. And I trust more my instincts than any man on Earth! As I knew he is a fucker (sorry for my English). But basically, I don’t care if he fucked half of the island previously, with that cute face, if I were him I would do the same.

He came back to the club on Wednesday. He said he doesn’t like rules and he doesn’t do what others ask him to do. Typical! I was not so happy to see him. He paid me a drink but while we were talking he was looking for stuff on eBay. Such big respect! At that very moment, I was tempted to dip his mobile into his glass! But I only smiled. I asked him how was the party after I left, letting him know that I know about everything. He answered but I only heard “I blah blah blah….” For me, the game was over.

He said he is hard to read. But I told him I’m good at it. He says exactly what the other wants to hear. If I want a bad guy, he is. If I want a good guy, he is maybe able to put the glasses on and play a geek. But why is so difficult for some guys just to be fair and upfront? Mr Player guy barely has a chance to find one more girl in this club like me. And I hope he is fully aware of that. Not because I’m special but because I play fair. I’m intelligent enough to see the higher correlations. And we have more common as he could think. We both have the inner strength and we don’t wear our heart on the sleeve but I’ve learned how to put my cards on the table without fear and not losing myself in the game.

Let me share a story with you..

After reading it, if you previously though that all strippers are cheap and they are there only to show some skin, your opinion could be changed.

The location is in Cape Town. The club is huge with 3 levels and about 80 girls work together. But I remember this night was quiet. I mean we had customers, even an organised bachelor party but not a full house. In a dark corner that was a guy sitting alone and staring into his glass. I was looking at him for a while, and then he lifted up his head and our eyes met. He wasn’t a good looking one but it was something strange around him. I sent him a smile and I carried on the conversation with my friend. I had no intention to approach him.

After maybe 10-15 minutes he touched my shoulder. He was polite but this strange feeling didn’t want to disappear around him. And I would lie if I say I was absolutely comfortable in his presence. He asked me for a dance. That night I didn’t make good business so I said OK. In that club, the private dance is behind closed doors operated by a computer system. The time limit is very strict, if you stay a second longer, it will count you another dance, doesn’t matter if you do it or not, you have to pay the fee after both dances. I don’t remember exactly but something like the dance is 5 minutes and the girl has 1 minute to get dressed. If the door is not opened, she pays automatically for the fee of the second dance as well. (The customer pays the girl for the dance and then the girl pays the fee to the club.) Let’s say the room is 3×3 metres, and the button to open the door is a bit far from the sofa. So with that guy, I didn’t feel 100% safe when the door closed.

I started to dance against the wall, keep a bit distance before I get closer. But he asked me to stay there. It was really strange. I took off my clothes and he asked me to stay at the wall and not get close to him. “I don’t want to hurt you!” he said. “Just stay there and don’t move. I just want to look at your beautiful body.” I started to feel really weird. And then he said something and everything made sense. “I’m a soldier and I haven’t seen a woman for months. I’m afraid if you come close to me I can’t handle myself. I just want to see you.” After the second dance, he asked me to get dressed, just to sit next to him and he paid other 3 or 4 dances. We were talking. I mean he was talking and I was there to listen. He told me he just came back from the army and he couldn’t find a normal job. A way back to the normal life. That was some pretty heavy stuff in the air… “Same with a woman. Nobody wants to be with a guy who killed people!” This sentence really hit my chest. I had mixed feelings for him. I felt sorry for him but at the same time, I appreciated that he is telling me all of these. I can imagine how hard was saying out loud and share all those feelings with someone. I gave him the greatest support that I could, but I know he needed only someone to be there for him. He was literally a big, strong guy crying on my shoulder. That was one of the situations when no words needed.

After the dance, I stayed with him. He offered me a drink, but that was 30 minutes before closing and I didn’t want to drink alcohol. No commission on it anyway. But my head – and also my heart – was heavy. I was disappointed in our world not to give a second chance to someone who really wants to change. I understand him as being a stripper also not easy to find a normal job if I want to quit. But who decides what is normal?

We were talking about lighter stuff lately and the lights were switched on. The manager waved that we are finished. I said goodbye to him and wished good luck in his future. I left him. But before I entered the changing room, he came after me holding something in his hand. It was a leopard tooth that he was wearing on a necklace. He said that was the first animal he shot. “I have nothing else but I want to give you this to remember me..” And I do. I keep this necklace on my mirror so every time I look at it I remember him. As I remember the lesson I’ve learned. That sometimes how helpful not to give people advice, just to listen and let them speak. Or just holding a hand when the words don’t come easy.

So you still think we have an easy job? Sometimes in this life, we need to develop other skills than just dancing around the pole. Sometimes it’s required us to be more of a therapist than just naked women in the night. Although therapists can earn a better salary…

A few clouds on the Caribbean sky

Well, it seems not even this beautiful blue sky can be flawless. My last week in Guadeloupe held some hard time for me as I’ve got a big lesson in friendship. My friend I came with fell in love with a guy here. I should be happy for them. Actually, I am. But for her was always a difficult part to keep the balance to spend some time with me during travels or with the actual summer lover. Yes, it happened before. When a new possible Mr Right shows up on the horizon, she forgot about others. But maybe previously I was less sensitive about it and I lived with other girls I liked and I could have fun with them while she was away. This time we were depending on each other more. This time I spent my last days off alone thanks to her. (Alone is not fun to go to the beach here when after 15 minutes sunbathing a total stranger find you and talking to you for half an hour, doesn’t matter you pay attention to him or not) And when I got an invitation to a party she told me she wouldn’t come with me but she doesn’t want me to go either because she doesn’t want to worry about me?! PFFFF! Is it really me having extraordinary expectations from others? But I know what I would have done in this situation without hurting anybody. I’ve been in love before but I was always there when someone needed me and never showed my back to a friend. Sometimes I feel I’m losing faith in people.

So yes, it was a very good lesson not to give credit to someone who doesn’t deserve it. And I really should stop caring about those people too. Like now, I was arranging a work contract in New Zealand for both of us from September while she was away having fun. OK, I have to stop complaining too and focus on good things that could happen in my last days here. And I’ve already learned not to keep these people in my Life. If someone wants to go I even help her/him to find the door… I don’t need them anymore.

This is also part of a stripper’s Life. Especially for those who travel a lot. We make friendship with the other girls but these friendships rarely last long. Actually, I was lucky with Giselle because we were never been jealous of each other. Most of the time that is the case. I heard lots of stories that two friends started to work together and very soon they had a big fight because one of them was more successful at work and actually they became enemies. And girls in clubs come and go. Never permanent, never the same. And I learned quickly that I can count only on myself.