trust Archives - HeartBrokenStilettos

Thank you for reading!

I feel this is a good time to say thank you to all reading my blog. When I started almost a year ago, I never thought it will attract so many people and I will get so many emails and questions. I’m honoured. (OK, I don’t mention the guy who emailed me because he wanted to buy my panties. LOL) I’m not the best to keep in contact and I have limited time to answer, but I try my best to answer to everyone.

I must say since I came back to London, I had to realise I have not many friends here. I travelled a lot, I have friends all over the world, but I spent very little time here in London in the last 4 years and my friendships became stale. The clubs I used to work here are sold, and the girls I worked with moved to other city or back to their home country. The people from the restaurant never knew where I went after I quit from there. Everyone knows I went to Greece on holiday and maybe the best way just to let them think so. Not everyone needs to know I became a stripper. And since I started to write and talk about my purpose to write a book, I experience some envy. Oh, a woman cannot digest if some other fellas have more ambition! And I don’t want people in my social circle that turn as the wind blows. I’m trying to be honest and I don’t want hypocritical so-called friends around me. I think it’s time for some radical changes and just cut people off. I just read it somewhere “cutting the negative people out of your life doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself.” Maybe I should respect myself a little more and enjoy meeting up with new friends.

So this time all those support and encouraging words I got from you, really means a lot to me. I trust myself but even a stripper can have bad days and needs some supporting people around her. Be honest I felt tired and a little burned out in the last months, that’s why I decided to stay away from clubs for a while. Not to mention the alcohol that my system needs to get rid of and do some serious detox before we enter the holiday season. And I can start the New Year fresh and ready for more stripper experience.

So all I can say is a big Thank You for reading! And all I can promise is to keep up writing and sharing my life stories with you.

My dog-lover ex

I love animals. Although I’m a cat person, I do love dogs as well. Ok, not those portable handbag dogs. They are cute but for me, the meaning of a dog starts somewhere a normal height. But after experiencing this story I was not able even to look at them for a while.

I was dating a guy who had a small female dog. Of course, I knew him from the club I used to work at that time. But I thought he is a fantastic man. We shared the same way of thinking, a similar mentality from the beginning, same interest. He was a strong character, manly, like a big silent warrior. You know the kind you know you can rely on. He will be there any time you need him. So what about the dog then? No, the story is not that bad as you think, but definitely one of the weirdest that ever happened to me.

For me, his relationship with his dog was acceptable but not quite alright. Maybe I was overreacting but sometimes he gave more attention to the dog than to me. I have made comments about it and he just said I’m jealous of the dog. But he also told me he loves her more than anything else and she has the priority in his life. Because she taught him what real love is. When we had sex I asked him not to let her in the room and he agreed. But when we finished he oped the door and the dog jumped in the bed. He immediately started to play with her, stroke her and I was scratching my head that WTF? I just gave him a blowjob and swallowed his sperm and he’s pampering the dog more than me? All those intimate moments have vanished in a second.

But the main issue was not that. When I first saw the dog humping and cuming on his arm I found the situation funny. Dogs do it on random things, sometimes on a toy or on your leg. The second time I still didn’t want to see the warning signals. But at the 3rd, 4th, 5th times it was bizarre! When I realised that is part of the daily routine, this fantastic, strong guy became so small in my eyes. He lost all my respect. But how can I respect a man who is misunderstanding his own feelings and project his love for a dog? Lonely people often do that but in a sexual way? I felt pity for him. And we had a huge argument. He didn’t want to understand why it’s a problem, animals need that too, it’s nature. Is it nature to pat me in the same way as the dog or using the same words when he made his dog cum than he used with me? That’s sick man!

Psychologically I understand him. He lost his mother and he suppresses lots of love and he became a sad person. Then he got the dog, someone that he can love and take care of. I just don’t know how it became linked with his sexual habits. I’d love to hear what a psychoanalyst would say about that.. how did this become such a habit for him, more important than a woman next to him? When we had an argument I even asked him if he knows that in some countries it’s legal to marry a dog (according to an Australian guy who married his labrador) All he could say it was that he promises me not to do it again front of me! He didn’t understand it’s just way too wrong! He thought it’s not a big deal. It is a big deal! He thought I’m asking him to choose between me and his dog. He didn’t get the point that I ask him to choose between me and his habit. I knew I have to make my decision to accept him with his dog or get my stuff and run away. I told him to ask any healthy-minded woman, none of them would expect that from a guy they want to build a relationship with. So the guy slowly disappeared from my life. In the end, I was the bad one who doesn’t like animals. I do like them. But I love and respect myself more than to stay in this situation.

I often wonder what if I’m not a dancer? Still, can I have all these interesting stories about dating and weird guys all over the planet? Or am I overreacting something here?

I’m curious what other women would do in the same situation…

The Little House of Fetish

I can not call myself a prude woman. I had a boyfriend before that he loved me wearing stockings in bed. I didn’t find it difficult if that makes him happy, why not. As I’m doing fetish modelling these kinds of desires are not unknown to me. I don’t know why but I noticed lately that guys with secret fantasies sooner or later open up for me and telling me or their dirty secrets. And I love those private dances when my customer only wants to give me a foot massage or lick the heels of my shoes! But experience something extreme in private life, it’s a different story.

First I was dating a guy and he liked the glossy, shiny hold-ups on me. For every date we had he arrived with a pair of black stockings. He knows I love the vintage style Agent Provocateur ones (I already have a whole collection of them) So we were dating for a while but one night after having sex he turned to me saying: “Honey, I love your legs in these stockings. But what if next time I’m gonna wear them?”

End of story. I didn’t know if I should have been embarrassed or laugh out loudly. I had no words to him just went to the bathroom because I couldn’t hide my surprised face. Obviously, that was our last date. Can you imagine a big, masculine guy asking you for wearing your tights? I know in this century we shouldn’t be surprised at all, but the personal experience is more intense and you really don’t want something like that from a guy who anyway could be a long-term partner or the father of your child.

In the second situation I was more brave and curious (and let’s say tipsier). I had a customer that I had a good time with, we were laughing a lot and opened the bottle of champagne one after another. Suddenly he just gave me his whisky glass.

“I want you to pee in it!”

Probably the alcohol I drunk previously made the effect on me that I was not surprised.

“OK, I do but only if you drink it!”

It’s definitely not something I do often. But that was one of the situations in my life when I chose to go beyond my limits. And he was only a customer I’ve seen first time (and last time), I mean there were no emotions attached. So I did it for him. He drunk it with no facial expression just like he’d drink his whisky. He only asked for some ice to put in. OK, this is also something we know it exists, no surprise here. But such a big difference in person than just to hear about it.

The third one was the weirdest I can say although I don’t know if I should mention it on the same page with the fetish. All my readers can decide about it.. (I’d love to know what Freud would comment!) I met this guy. He was one of the kindest types that I don’t meet quite often and somehow I felt good with him from the beginning. But he had this tiny little thing: a small dog. I had boyfriends with dogs before and after him but it was something I’ve never seen. First, when she (you read it well, SHE!) started to humping on his arm, I did not pay attention to it. Nature has its funny ways to express itself. But later on, I realised that is kinda part of the daily routine: feeding the dog, playing with the dog, make the dog cum… Yuck! When I asked how he knows that she has an orgasm, he said: “Her pussy is moving just like yours.” (I felt sort of offended that my pussy has been compared to a dog’s.)

Later I tried to tell him that I don’t think this is a healthy way of living with a dog, but his answer was “it’s normal, you can check it on Youtube, there are lots of videos” Yes, but the normal reaction from guys is laughing on it, make a video because it’s strange or simply just tell the dog to “go away”. Not to mention not everything is normal what you can watch on Youtube. I also googled it, but I had to stop educating myself on this subject when the 2nd or 3rd article was a step by step guide “how to train your dog to fuck you”.

My mistake that I didn’t say anything to him about how disgusting it was. I just couldn’t find the right words. It made me confused and I even questioned my own sexuality when after having sex with me he still wanted to please his dog. (As I noticed that he was the one who generated the whole game. I don’t want to talk here about Pavlov, his dogs, the reflexes and that bell..) Because the dog taught him to love. Excellent, so what I’m doing here? So next time when I’m single, feeling lonely and unloved, should I buy a horse??? I’m done. No more words. The rest is out of the question.

But again, I learned something about myself. Since then I know I’m not able to love someone unconditionally, just the way he is. In theory, it sounds beautiful, but good or not, I have my own conditions. And I think every healthy-minded women would think in the same way.

(Overall I try not being judgemental here. It’s not about put those guys on a blacklist. End of the day it is their life, their choice, their habits. But they helped me a lot to realise my own limitations and acceptance.)

Visiting Hong Kong

There is no way that once I’m working in Macau and I don’t go to HK! Macau is also a small place and I visited all the sightseeing spots I wanted. I can not count how many small Chinese temples I’ve been there! And I went everywhere alone. I only took my camera with me. Even I climbed up to the lighthouse in the pouring rain because the cable car to the top didn’t work. But it was worth it, the view of the city was amazing from there! Even in the rain.

So I decided to go to HK as well alone. I checked some site before about the transport and the timetable of the ferries. I planned to go around noon, sightseeing and then watch the Symphony of Lights laser show at the Victoria harbour and after come back to Macau. But no strict program.

I arrived at the HK-Macau ferry terminal. I went outside. I had no clue which bus should I take. In HK when you don’t know the places or you don’t have known where you are it can be difficult. I only knew that first I want to go to Lantau Island to the Buddhist monastery. The timetables of the buses looked strange there at first sight.

In Macau, I’ve learned how to use them, but even my Chinese manager was impressed because he said it’s complicated. Well, it was not so complicated for me.

I hesitated a bit but finally, I took a taxi instead of the bus. I didn’t have much time to waste on figuring out which bus goes where. So I arrived at the cable car to the monastery early afternoon. The queue was huge to get on! But once I’m there I will take it even I have no more time to see other things. Here is the biggest Buddha statue on Earth which looked nice in the pictures. While I was queueing I couldn’t decide to pay for the guided tour or just go individually. The guided tour contains a tour of the fishing village nearby. I was thinking pros and contras, what I have time for, but when I went to the counter I just paid for the tour.

I didn’t pay much attention to what the tour guide said. I was alone with my thoughts and with my camera. I quite enjoyed being alone that day. End of the tour the group had a Chinese kinda afternoon tea. Two guys came to sit at my table. When we’ve got the drinks I wanted to be polite so I said Cheers! to them. We started to talk. They were from the Czech Republic. One is working in Macau but staying in a hotel in HK, and the other guy was his brother just for a visit. They told me later they have a drink in the harbour, they also want to watch the laser show and they also come to Macau after. If I want I can join them. Of course, I wanted! As more as merrier! They know how to use public transport as they are more familiar with the place! We took the subway and the guy didn’t even let me pay for the tickets. He gave me his Octopus card to use and he paid for his own tickets. How nice! Later we had a little bit of trouble to find the place where they wanted to go. To find the right taxi there is crazy! We were on Kowloon island and all the taxis we found didn’t want to go HK island saying they don’t know the place. (In my opinion, they were just lazy to took us there.) So we decided to go to another bar with a view of the harbour. One more guy joined us later. And of course, we watched the show and we had a few drinks. I started with mojitos, but I was with Czech guys, so it’s a must to drink beer with them. And it was a nice evening, not hot but not chilly at all, it was nice to have a few beers on the terrasse. I was there with 3 total strangers having fun. I even told them openly that I’m dancing in Macau. It was the case when you can show your true yourself because their opinion didn’t count as much. Probably you won’t see them again.

So we had drinks and then they started to order food, we basically tried everything from the starter menu as it was a bit late and the kitchen didn’t take big orders. Drinks, food, more drinks, more food, drinks again.. and they didn’t let me pay even one round. And we had a good laugh.

It was quite late so we went to the ferry. None of us had a ticket. The guys went to the counter and they came back with 3 tickets. Business class! I didn’t want to accept it but they didn’t take the money from me. On the ferry home, we didn’t talk a lot but very soon we were sleeping on each other shoulders.

So that was my short story when I went to HK alone and came back with 2 friends. It was after midnight when we arrived and they wanted me to get home safe. Even their hotel was not in my area, they caught a taxi and they took me home first and then went to the hotel. And before you ask, there was not a single offer or anything behind. The guy who paid everything even told me he’s happily married and he doesn’t go to strip clubs. But he was more interested in how it works. Why we choose this life? Is it only the money or there is another reason? How we apply to the club? Accommodation? I think that was the first moment when I had a clear idea about writing a blog. Lots of people who are not involved in this business can not imagine all these. And they don’t meet often a girl who doesn’t keep it a secret and who is able to speak about it freely. Myself, I’m still learning not to judge people. As also learning to care less about being judged by someone. And these friendly random strangers were a good example that I don’t need to feel ashamed and to lie about my work and the way I chose to live.

Have you seen the movie Taken?

One of my colleagues asked me this question when I told her the following story. We were working in Switzerland together and shared the same room. Probably that is the only one lap dancing club in Geneva, not the cabaret type where basically all the prostitutes work. But our club was recently visited by Albanians.

Once I worked in Salzburg. My last night I met two Albanian guys in the club, they were nice and polite and they just mentioned that the next day they travel to Vienna by car. The next day I needed to take the train to Vienna too so we agreed to meet at the train station. The deal was if they come there, they can take me by car, if they don’t, I buy the ticket. They didn’t show up so I was queuing and ready to pay for the trip myself. Suddenly one of them arrived saying sorry a thousand times for the delay but something was wrong with the car. We had a coffee at the station and they said they are waiting for one more guy. He arrived, they helped me with my suitcase, it was pretty heavy and we sat in the car. I was innocent and naïve, and absolutely happy that I don’t need to lift up heavy bags. We even had a good laugh.

After 20 minutes drive, I looked out the window. Something was strange. We should have been on the highway already, but we were still in a suburb area. I started to feel uncomfortable. The red light went on. What if these guys were lying? Am I really in trouble? Calm down, calm down… I looked every possible way to escape and that was a moment when I was even ready to jump out of the moving car if it’s necessary. My heart was beating so fast and I was sweaty.

The car slowed down and stood up in a driveway. My hand was on the handle. I was thinking to leave my bag with my passport and all my documents behind and just run. They got off the car and the third guy we were waiting for at the station, lean against my door. He was quite big and strong, I had no chance to open that door. They were talking in Albanian. In my mind, they already negotiated what price they are going to ask for me. I slowly moved toward the other door on the back seat. I was just about to reach the handle when I saw them from the corner of my eyes moving… AND shaking hands! The big guy suddenly turned and looked at me through the window, and said “Bye and good luck in Vienna!” and to the others said thank you for taking him home.

A stone fell from my heart and I could breathe again. I was laughing inside and I was ashamed at the same time. But I learned 2 lessons for a lifetime:

1. Not to judge somebody according to ethnicity, religion or skin colour.

2. I trust my instincts. But it’s more important to use my brain in certain situations.

The two guys took me to the place I needed to go, they even apologised that they couldn’t take me to the door because it was a one-way road and they had no more time to go around. And they didn’t even ask my number or anything. My story ended up in a better way than in the movie. Luckily, because my dad wouldn’t come to rescue me and kill half of the Balkan!