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The Death of the Phoenix

I’m going home to die…

No need to worry, everything is OK with me, there are no issues with my health. I’m not going home to literally die. But as I always said, the symbol of the Phoenix has a strong effect on my Life. And just like the Phoenix, I’m going to die to reborn. The old habits, patterns will die with me, I don’t want to follow them any longer. It’s a strange feeling when one day you wake up and you realise in a nanosecond what you’re doing wrong in your Life. Like a newborn baby, you open your eyes the first time and you see clearly. But it’s up to you what you’re going to do with this realisation. I’m cutting everything off that I don’t really need or not useful to me, that makes me feel tired, angry, sad or doubtful. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Things that hold me back. It’s like a big spring cleaning! I have no regrets. I truly believe that things that belong to my Life they will find the way back to me, the rest is just a matter of time when will leave by themselves.

It’s painful, but I need to grow. I put 8 years into 4 boxes and decided to go back to Hungary. At least for a while, until I make the final decision. I don’t want to live in a fantasy world any more, I decided to come out to the daylight. My eyes still hurt but soon I will get used to it. And I need my family and my family needs me. Where ever you travel in this world, it’s always good to go back to your roots, where is the source of your blood.

I often said after reaching my dream – to go to Japan – I have nothing to take from this dancing world. For me, that was the last step on the career ladder in this work (if we can call it a career) but after that, I didn’t find much happiness in it. Stories and experience for my book, yes, but now I need to find the time to work more on that book and set up new goals.

I don’t stop to work because I still have bills to pay but I will do less and less, and focus more on other aspects of my Life. I will still post here, but more from memory than about actual workplaces. And when I’m ready to reborn, I spread my wings and I will return.

Wish me good luck and strength!

You CAN find a canary in this bird feeder

(Referring to those who think you can not.)

Someone told me that there is no possibility to find a canary in a bird feeder. I didn’t know what he meant by that exactly and still don’t know. Probably he was thinking that all strippers are the same and you can’t find a nice, intelligent woman working in this industry. Maybe he just hasn’t met one. Although some girls I worked with in these 8 years spent in Stripperland are very special persons. But to see this speciality, you have to dig a little bit deeper than the fancy costumes and perfume clouds around them. You have a good talk with the customer, not only jumping from table to table “Do you want a private dance? Do you want a private dance?” I’m not a canary, but not a parrot either to repeat myself a hundred times a night saying the same things. With a bottle of champagne you build up a conversation with the client and you get to know lots of interesting things about each other.

But let’s stuck to the title and allow me to be light-hearted in this post. Nothing to take seriously or personal here. But this stripper bird feeder is more colourful and varied than you might think. Not only canaries and parrots come here to get some seeds. We also have some sparrow: she’s the beginner and she has very little idea about the work. She’s shy and usually not flashy with clothes and makeup. Sometimes she looks like a female customer in the club. Average and ordinary. And just like the sparrow, she feels better and safer in other’s company. BUT sometimes these girl has bigger success with customers than the one who works in clubs for years! Because she is fresh, innocent and naive.

We also have peacocks. Just like the male peacock, she has a colourful shiny or neon colour costume that you can spot from any corner of the room. Huge hair extension and extra long eyelashes. But in the morning in the changing room when she takes off all the artificial accessories, she looks like nothing but a huge chicken. Just like the male peacock when he’s losing his tailfeathers. Seriously, I met girls that I didn’t recognise after work without all her trimming!

What else we have.. we have Skylark. She has a sweet voice and she can chirp to your ears until you pay her a private dance. I’ve already mentioned the parrot. She’s the cool and funny one, even can make some tricks. You can teach her words, she will repeat what you said to her. But be careful, just like a parrot, often to others. And we often have crow sitting in a black dress at the bar. She is usually an older dancer who’s not happy with her job (nor with herself). When I’m new in the club, she is the first flying to me and telling how s*** is this club and I won’t make money there because of that and that reasons because she had that and that problem with this club and her list is endless. She really enjoys croaking bad omens. I don’t like this type of girls. Just because she is not happy in the current club, she tries to make me unhappy too and telling me how I can’t make money there when I haven’t worked there only a few hours. Let me see it myself!

I often meet magpie in clubs. About them, I have lots of stories! When something disappears from the apartment or the changing room and nobody has seen anything. In one club a girl took all the other dancer’s money from the apartment and she flew away the next morning. And just like the magpie, they prefer shiny things: pieces of jewellery, money, or your favourite costume. They can make the work very unpleasure, it doesn’t matter how careful you are, it’s always a risk that there is one amongst us.

My favourites are the lovebirds. They fall in love with a customer and stay in one place or settle down. I’ve seen an example of that too. Some quit dancing and have a family by now. And I’m happy if they found their happiness.

And if you ask what type of bird could I be in this bird feeder, I would say I’m a crane. I’m just sitting at the bar and keep my eyes on the water. If I have eye contact or a smile with a customer, that’s a deadly catch. With this strategy, I do mistakes rarely. But the management doesn’t understand and they want to kick my ass all the time because I don’t work. I do but in a less visible way. In this way, I don’t waste my time and I get less rejection. But they prefer the parrot girls who fly to every customer’s shoulder “Do you want a dance?”

So you can see how varied this bird feeder is. Not to mention the fact that some birds are just guests in it as they are flying away to other destinations when the winter (or summer) comes. We don’t stay long in one place if the food is gone, we just spread our wings and you might never see us again. So when you spot a special species in your nearest bird feeder, take a chance to talk to her!

Why I prefer to work with men

I definitely prefer a male manager or boss over a woman. I work with other girls and indeed we are not always nice to each other, a woman who has power over the dancers can be more harmful than our nastiest colleague. Especially the ones who were dancers themselves before and now they feel superior because now they work behind the bar. Hallelujah! Such a big step on a career ladder! I had a quite bad experience in Oslo with the girl who works at the bar. I’m really not an ass-kissing person and she has had her favourite girls already, so I didn’t even try to be nicer to her than it’s required for a harmonious work relationship. But once we went down to the VIP area with my customer, and he took off his jacket and looked around if there is any hanger or something for the coat. I dared to ask the girl if we have any.

“No, but we have enough coach where he can put it… as you can see.” with an absolute hater in her voice just because I had this innocent question. How nice!

“I wouldn’t ask if he wasn’t looking for one…”

Needless to say, that put a stamp on our further collaboration. I got drunk later that night and I absolutely cannot be controlled under the influence of alcohol, so she sent me back to the changing room when I just wanted to say goodbye to the guy. (He stayed 10 more days in Oslo and I wanted to make sure he would come back as it’s my money end of the day) But she didn’t let me do for whatever reason. I went furious, I was screaming at her. She told me she won’t help me in the future any more and I remember yelling at her: “I don’t need your help! I just need you to be correct with me as you are with the others!” And I really meant it, drunk or not. I don’t need any special treatment but it pulls the trigger when somebody is not correct or rude when I didn’t give a reason. I’m working with alcohol and it can’t be possible to get rid of the full bottles and if I’m drunk I’m more emotional, but a manager has to be cold-headed and tolerate it more not to respond to it in a bitchy way.

Even worst when the manager is a woman and she’s drunk or doesn’t have a clear mind. Once I had an argument with my manager in one club in London, and she went on fire! I wanted to quit from the argument but she followed me where ever I went screaming behind my back. “You think everyone is the boss’s slut here?!” I tried to ignore her as this is the best way you can do but she got more and more furious. Things came to her mind – and on her tongue – that doesn’t make sense. She twisted everything I’ve ever told her and used it against me. Things like I think the other manager is a lesbian and I was in love with one of the guys from the club and so on. She went back behind the bar and continued screaming at me – at that point I was just laughing at her inside – trying to humiliate me but it was a backfire. All the girls and customers looked at her like an evil witch who lost control over herself. The situation got really nasty and I had to call the male manager who worked in another club to stop her. I tried to be calm as much as I could, but enough is enough!

Or the worst ever when the boss’s girlfriend works behind the bar. God save our souls! It happened in Brussels. Literally, that woman threw the cigarette towards me when I stood close to her. And in the beginning, I thought she’s nice.. OK, every time the girls asked for a drink from the bar, she gave us only half glass while her male colleague gave us a normal adult size drink. She even saved the water, never filled up the glass properly. But that’s OK. You don’t take it as offensive. But that woman literally hated the girls. We could feel it. Well, if someone is not trying to climb on her boyfriend’s back, maybe she would have more confidence and bigger self-esteem, and she could be happier with her life. (Just a thought.) But she’s trying to hold her position too tight (both in the club and in her boyfriend’s bed). Not unusual from a woman. But if the boss can’t control her lover/girlfriend working behind the bar, give her a scold’s bridle not to ruin the atmosphere!

Although I worked with men that have a very hectic and unbalance emotional statement, usually men are more direct and better problem solvers. And in this business trouble can happen any night. I remember when I got fired from a club in Switzerland. The woman there was also not too nice, but I’ve heard stories about the owner that how rude he can be the girls. There, I really didn’t work well so he called me in his office and gave me 1 more week notice before he wanted to fire me. And I told him “I don’t need that 1 week, I can tell you right now that I’m not happy in your club and I won’t make better business to you in that week, so better not to waste our time.” I was correct and honest and guess what? He let me stay in the club’s apartment free of charge (because I didn’t make money) until I find something else. Such a big difference in dealing with problems, isn’t it?

When I’m ashamed being Hungarian

I said enough bad things about women with other nationality, it’s time to write about my own nation’s girls. Just because I got fired from the Brussels club because of them. I’m fully aware it can not be a stereotype because in every nation you can find horrible or extremely nice girls, but this club in Brussels have the selection of the most vulgar, terrible (Hungarian) dancers I’ve ever worked with! If I said anything bad about Romanians or Russians in this blog, they were innocent angels compare to them. Literally, I got shocked by the way they behaved. For sure there are certain situations when I’m not proud to be Hungarian.

But let’s start at the beginning. When I arrived, it was OK, the girls were nice, the apartment was not crowded. But those girls already complained that when they arrived it was such a mess and they had to clean everything. One of them even told me she can’t imagine what kind of girls were there before them, who left the apartment so dirty. They collected maybe 6 or 7 bags of rubbish from a 3 bedroom flat. I saw it with my own eyes. One week later I was lucky(?) enough to find out.

The 3 girls arrived. The typical dancers that you see on the street and you know exactly what is their job. The common Hungarian swear “bazd meg” is a lullaby from their mouth. The “gecis fasz” was their every second word. (If you’d like to know what does it mean, use Google, I won’t translate it here.) And there was a huge difference in the work style as well if we can call it to work what they do. They had just a big party, no rules, no responsibilities. They got drunk, made a lesbian show on stage, all for free. That’s still OK. But one of them was drinking the pure vodka from the bottle in the changing room, then a customer bought her one (only one!) bottle of champagne, and she got so drunk and fell from the stage. Customers could do anything with her, she was even kissing with anybody on the floor. She was so drunk that fell asleep on a customer’s shoulder. Another night she went to the toilet and the customer followed her. I don’t want to know what she’s offering in private but it must be a good reason why she was popular amongst the customers. I heard myself when she told her friend “You will hate me now but I did more in the private.” And that was a rumour that one friend of the boss had sex with her upstairs. I won’t be surprised if it’s not only a rumour.. (or not only one friend)

The other one was even drunker. When they got home she was vomiting under the kitchen table and the top of that she peed herself. Such a classy woman! She just told us the previous day that she’s a princess of the club! And the next day at 11am she was drinking again. Not to mention the drugs they take, I swear some of the Hungarian girls could have a job in any pharmacy because they exactly know what to take to feel better. And the boss prefers these girls over the “normal ones”, he fired 3 of us on the same week. Because we don’t work well. I have nothing to be sad about, if it’s a required behaviour in this club, I don’t want to work there either. And if it’s good for him getting angry every morning because there is a fight between the girls or they are so loud and he can’t concentrate on the payments, he deserves it. I don’t feel sorry for him. But I have a feeling that his girlfriend (the manager) stands behind all who can’t stand the girls who have some class. Obviously, those vulgar girls never will be a competition for her and she wants to keep her status quo in the club by getting rid of the well-behaved ones. But this is only my opinion. I just find it strange that they said I don’t work well when I made pretty much the same amount of money with clean work than those crazy ones. And I never made any trouble to them.

But for me, the most shocking was when the boss hired 3 cleaners to clean the apartment. He brought them and he couldn’t even look into my eyes when I opened the door for them. (I was already fired but could stay in the apartment 2 more days, whatever.) Later one of the cleaners said something to the girls about why they can’t clean up after themselves and one of them wanted to beat her with some wooden stick she found in the living room. She was complaining to me when she came to my room to clean. The poor woman has to clean up all the disgusting mess of what they made and she almost was beaten! Seriously, where the hell did the agency find those girls???

Dollar? No dollar? Scheiße egal!

(I would translate it as f***it, doesn’t matter.)

I like the system when the club has its own house dollars for tipping the dancers. It’s like Monopoly money, fun and can give a solid income on a busy night. In Germany most of the clubs have them. When I finish my 2 songs stage performance, I go topless to each customers asking for dollars and they put it in my string. End of the night each dollar count €0.5 to my budget, which is not a lot but if the night was busy it’s easy to collect 50-100 dollars, sometimes even more. We share the tips with the club, so the club keeps the other €0.5. It’s fair enough, in some clubs I’m not allowed to keep the tips at all. I like when the club makes the customers buy the dollars. Let’s say the entrance fee is €10 but they get 10 dollars. Like it was in Luxembourg. In that case, even if they don’t pay anything to the girls, each customer give tips at least. And they rarely take it home keeping it as a souvenir.

My job is to go to everybody. If they don’t have dollars, try to sell them.
“Sorry, I don’t have dollars.”

“No problem, I can take euros, pounds, sterling silver or credit card!” and I press my boobs showing there is a possibility to swipe the card. Usually, it makes them smile and they buy some dollars.

I remember a long time ago I worked in Salzburg where the club had 2 floors. The stage was downstairs and a small bar upstairs. The rules were very strict, I had to go each time to the bar to see if anybody there and ask for dollars before I enter the changing room. It was exhausting, up and down on the stairs all night. Sometimes it was funny when there were no people, we made jokes with the barmen waving some salviette they wanted to put in my panties. Other night when I worked in Nice, I had a customer who showered the stage during my dance with 100 dollars, papers were everywhere and I had to be careful where to step because it can be slippery. In Brussels, the club didn’t have the dollars, but after the stage show, I still had to go to customers asking for tips. The smallest note is €5 and I could keep all the tips so it was also good. Once a guy was so drunk and he tossed a €50 note in my string. That’s really an easy money to make in a few seconds just to go there and ask if he’d like to tip. Some places I don’t make this tour after the dance, but collecting the dollars is part of the stage show. For example in Antwerp, I hated it, because there is a huge gap between the stage and the customers and every time someone wanted to give me a dollar I had to climb over this gap. It can be dangerous if you’ve had a few drinks! Some guys love to put the dollar in their mouth and ask the girls to take it with her tits. Or mouth to mouth. I always wonder if they are aware of where these dollars were before.. maybe in another guy’s mouth or even worse, in his pants touching his sweaty body. It’s fun but I really don’t like to take it with my lips. Not to mention that you can get some serious bacterial infection.

But the truth is, you come to the club, you have a few beers and 10-20 dollars, even you don’t buy drinks or private dances and you don’t spend a fortune but you still have good points and the girls don’t look at you like you are an idiot saying between themselves “at least he has dollars!” But not everyone’s giving it easily. Here in Osnabrück, I’ve been asked: “Was machst du?” (what do you do?) and the guy showed me a dollar with a huge grin on his face as he has the victory flag in his hand or at least he’s holding a €200 note… Hm, let me think… your dollar means €0.5 to me. What should I do for it? Or the other one who asked me straight away to sit in his lap for a dollar. “The lapdance is over there in the private. Here is no touching.” And he was a bit upset. One dollar won’t make me rich, keep it if you wish! There are others that want to give me with no conditions! But the rudest situation when I went to the table and the guy without even looking at me he tossed a €2 coin to me. “And what should I do with that? Buy some dollars!” and I turned and left. When I make my round, I’m not begging for money. It’s part of the entertaining, part of the fun. Giving coins is rude and humiliating although I know some girls would take it without thinking.

And just an idea at the end: if you really want to tip your favourite dancer with real money, fold it in a little piece (it doesn’t require origami skills) and put it in the front of her string. Not even the most honest dancer would give it to the club and share it after counting the dollars alone in the changing room.