life Archives - Page 2 of 6 - HeartBrokenStilettos

Just some thoughts..

I’m really on a deep level of understanding myself more and I made some amazing discovery. I realised what is my true problem in this industry. I’m way TOO FEMININE for this work! You think it’s great, a stripper must be feminine. A feminine woman is more pleasure for the eyes. But it’s not exactly the truth.

The woman seduces.
But this work is not about seduction any more. It’s manipulation. How can we get more money out of the guy, how can we keep him all night in the club to spend more, how can we get some cash from him. Seduction? Ehh.. pure manipulation.
Now you think there is not a big difference between the two. Indeed it’s huge! When a woman seduces, she places the man in the centre of her attention. When she manipulates him, the focus on the thing what she can get from him. In our case, that’s his wallet. The man who belongs to this wallet?? Kidding, right?

I’m fully aware that this is my work and I chose it. I make my money from this to pay my bills. But I can sense how it has been changed in the past years. A few years back we also took care of the person, not only his money. Now it’s all changing. There are two kinds of game in the clubs. One between a manipulator and another manipulator. Both know that it’s not true. The girl tries to get as much money as she can, and the guy plays hard to give. That’s more like a business presentation about why you should buy a certain product. And trust me, there are girls who could teach some new view on marketing to the most difficult business sharks! Or the other game between the manipulator and her/his victim. Yes, it can be both ways. When the girl is faking real interest and the guy buys it. He truly believes that the girl wants to see the 67th picture of his dog on his phone. “Show me more photos but can I have one more drink?” In the other way around when the guy is paying to make the girl drunk in the hope he can get more from her in private if she loses control over herself. “I buy you champagne but you must have also a shot with me.” But what if I don’t want to manipulate or be manipulated.

Also, the competition between the girls is not a feminine feature. Competition is always masculine, aggressive, active. The feminine energy is passive. (I’m not talking about the way of behaviour.) Most of my customers like me because I’m more of a woman. Not only on the surface. Because I’m different than the others. I’m more feminine (again, I’m not talking about the looks) But these customers come to the clubs less and less – or they died out. They also don’t want to participate in this game

The feminine energy doesn’t compete. It’s not waiting for the man on top of the stairs to enter the club and jump on him faster than a rocket or doesn’t want to push away the others just to be the first. The feminine energy is supportive, soft and helpful. But this is getting to be rare in this work. One night after we finished the shift, I asked a girl who was quiet all night

“Are you okay?

“Why do you ask?” asked back with so much aggression in her voice. She had no problem with me as we didn’t talk all night. From me, it was just an innocent and genuine question. But for her, it was something offensive. Because she doesn’t get used to that someone honestly cares. I do. If someone crying in the changing room or looks sad, I’m the first in the line to ask what’s wrong. Honestly. I made good friendships because the girl could feel that I’m not faking it. Not just telling her a few conned “feminine” words

And that’s why I can’t stay in this business for so long – besides any other reasons. That’s why I feel less and less successful because I don’t want to be part of this manipulative world any more. You would say the whole world is like that. But in strip clubs, this manipulation is very intense. I have 2 choices left: wait until the night finally pushes away back to the sunlight or I decide to leave it behind by myself.

The Death of the Phoenix

I’m going home to die…

No need to worry, everything is OK with me, there are no issues with my health. I’m not going home to literally die. But as I always said, the symbol of the Phoenix has a strong effect on my Life. And just like the Phoenix, I’m going to die to reborn. The old habits, patterns will die with me, I don’t want to follow them any longer. It’s a strange feeling when one day you wake up and you realise in a nanosecond what you’re doing wrong in your Life. Like a newborn baby, you open your eyes the first time and you see clearly. But it’s up to you what you’re going to do with this realisation. I’m cutting everything off that I don’t really need or not useful to me, that makes me feel tired, angry, sad or doubtful. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Things that hold me back. It’s like a big spring cleaning! I have no regrets. I truly believe that things that belong to my Life they will find the way back to me, the rest is just a matter of time when will leave by themselves.

It’s painful, but I need to grow. I put 8 years into 4 boxes and decided to go back to Hungary. At least for a while, until I make the final decision. I don’t want to live in a fantasy world any more, I decided to come out to the daylight. My eyes still hurt but soon I will get used to it. And I need my family and my family needs me. Where ever you travel in this world, it’s always good to go back to your roots, where is the source of your blood.

I often said after reaching my dream – to go to Japan – I have nothing to take from this dancing world. For me, that was the last step on the career ladder in this work (if we can call it a career) but after that, I didn’t find much happiness in it. Stories and experience for my book, yes, but now I need to find the time to work more on that book and set up new goals.

I don’t stop to work because I still have bills to pay but I will do less and less, and focus more on other aspects of my Life. I will still post here, but more from memory than about actual workplaces. And when I’m ready to reborn, I spread my wings and I will return.

Wish me good luck and strength!

‘Cause I’m a gipsy

No, not being racist here against gipsies, but if Shakira can sing a song about being a gipsy so I can write about it, right? Someone told me that we, strippers, are the gipsies of the modern world. And I must say I agree with that person. If you hear the word “gipsy” what other words come to your mind straight away? Let me help. Entertaining. Music. Dance. Thief. Magician. Travel. Bags. Free. Wild. Nomad. No agreement, no commitments. No rules.

Dancing and entertaining don’t require further explanation, I guess. As a negative aspect, some might think we also have a dark, criminal side and the dancing business linked to the underworld. I don’t think I tell a big secret that you can’t open a strip club without knowing the local mafia or if not, sooner or later they will appear and introduce themselves to you. Once I worked in a club when the manager asked me to steal my drunk customer’s credit card, and then he can charge him more bottles of champagne – of course, the most expensive one. He was very generous, and he reminded me I also could get more money after this action. Luckily it happened my last days in that club, so I refused to help him do more business in that way, and I left with no trouble. But I can understand where this negative stigma is coming from.

Sometimes we also need to develop some magic skills to disappear after our shift. Just like Houdini! I remember once I had a customer, a lovely man from Belgium. He was a nice guy until he started to get drunk and became aggressive and abusive. By the time when we finished work, he was screaming outside of the club, kicking the rubbish bins and making the possibly biggest noise around 4 am in a residential area. Because he thought I would go home with him. (That time I’ve already learned the lesson not to promise such a thing like “I see you after work if you buy me a bottle of champagne”, but in his mind somehow it was a different case.) He was angry, and nobody could make him calm. My manager tried to talk to him, no success. So one of my friends called a taxi for herself and for my safety she offered me to take me to the bus stop. It was like in an action movie. My friend went ahead, talked to the taxi driver, who drove the car to the entrance as close as he could. Then my friend opened the door and when my manager waved with his hand that the guy doesn’t pay attention – probably he was busy kicking the metal bins – I covered my head with my jacket, jumped into the car and we left. OK, Houdini could do better tricks, but I wished I could disappear and get out of the situation just as he could. So magic, yes, we also use it sometimes.

And my favourite part is the travel. Sometimes I even leave my clothes in the suitcase. I don’t see the point to put them in a wardrobe, and I get dressed straight from my bag. I use to say that I don’t have a home, but I’m home everywhere I go. And it’s true. After the second week, I got used to the new place, the new environment and I start to feel I could stay even longer. But I don’t stay. There is always a new place waiting for me to discover. And once you got the taste of this lifestyle, this kind of freedom, it’s hard to give it up. So yes, I feel like a gipsy travelling from town to town, from country to country to entertain with my dance. Never stay long for one place, never settled down. And I make my own rules.

I remember when my yakuza friend asked me:

“When do you stop this lifestyle? Taking risks?”

“You know I think we are very similar in that. Probably never. Being free and taking risks is in our blood.”

Also, the common belief is that gipsies were mining the gold just like strippers are golddiggers — another common social stigma. And we trust no one. I could tell you stories about having trust issues mainly towards men. But that would be a whole new post here.

Stripper’s burn out

Yesterday one of the customers told his friend as he passed by:

“You can say anything, I think it’s a fucking hard job.” I really wanted to stop him and talk about it, but he was already about to leave. He is right. We’re constantly interacting with people using our private zone. Not like a waitress who takes the order, serves the customer and leaves the table. We let any drunk, ignorant, drugged person enter our comfort zone, so easy to collect all the negative energies, emotional rubbish from them. We have to deal with rejection, more than one time a night, and we have to participate in mind games. Easily lead into burn out, alcohol or/and drug abuse.

If you don’t make money, men are your enemies because they don’t pay. If you make money, your colleagues are your enemies because of jealousy. And the management also can give you hard time. Usually, when the club is not so busy – like here now–, they drive the girls crazy to sending them to customers. “You have to go to every client! You came here to work, not just to sit!” Which is true, but let me decide who I want to work with. I often don’t see the point to go over the table if I already know the guy won’t pay. But still, they want me to go the guy in the corner who almost sleeping because he’s so drunk or the one who didn’t buy a single dollar to give out to the girls. Pointless.

I tried to find out why I was so stressed and not so successful at work lately, but mainly I blamed others. (Of course, it’s always the easiest way!) Doesn’t matter how hard I tried, the end was always disappointment and failure. If something didn’t happen as I wished, I called the guy an idiot and left him. But lately I took the time to stop, I investigate my emotions, get rid of the old, useless things and habits and go ahead with a lighter heart. Now I just smile when a girl shut the door in the changing room with anger saying “These are fucking idiots!”

You know everything is okay when you sit and smile, then go on stage, shake your booty a bit and men start queueing to have a chance to talk to you or take you to the private. I know I’m okay and balanced when guys come to me at work. I don’t need to lift up my pretty bum from the chair, they come to me asking if I want a drink or a dance. (Hm, let me think about it.) They come to me because I’m smiley and easy to approach. I like when work is that smooth and I enjoy myself. I don’t need to pretend I like people, I really do and I enjoy talking to them. I’m radiant. But it took almost 3 months emotional cleansing. When nothing happened on the surface but a lot inside. You know the feeling when you just want to hide from people. Low energy. Lost motivations. Like stepping in the mud. The more steps you make, the deeper you get. In the mud, I was searching for helping hands but forget about my own. Some could help and lift me up a few inches and hold me there temporary, some just pushed me even deeper.

Enough! Let’s see what is under the water! I let myself to swirl into the deep emotions and I went through all the stages of anger, blame, despair, self-pity. But as a result, I came out as a stronger person. And now I enjoy the fruits of my work on myself as others can do. Last week I went shopping and realised men stop and staring at me. One guy literally stopped and turned as I passed by. No, he didn’t check up my behind, he looked my face. I was wearing the same radiant smile as at work. With these feedbacks, I know I’m okay. But maybe this time it took so long. Maybe this is a sign that I better stop doing this job, I have nothing left to learn from it. I must grow. Life is much more than wake up in the morning, go to work and pay the bills (maybe because of this way of thinking I never had lots of money although all my bills are paid.)

In this sensitive period, I had someone who pointed out my negative side, someone who pushed me down in the final. I believe everything happens for a reason and every person who enters our life has a message for us. This person disappeared from my life without knowing that he gave me an amazing gift. He held a mirror for me that I had to look into and face with my own self-destruction. But his job is done. Message delivered. The rest is up to me what I’m going to do with it. There is still much work, but the first step is to realise which part of your life you need to work on. At least I stopped destroying the things around me. Now I’m more centred and can focus on building up.

Goodbye 2014

After some issues with my flight – 4 hours delay and because of that I missed the last bus so I had to spend the night at the airport again and take the first bus next day – finally, I’ve arrived in Pescara, Italy. Sleeping at airports seems became my habit this year though. The landing was also awful, the wing almost touched the ground before the plane. I can say the worst landing in my life when you believe in God or not, but start to pray suddenly. But I don’t complain as I’ve safely arrived in one piece.

I just started to work, I don’t want to say anything about the job yet. I don’t make my conclusion after 1-day work, all I can say now I’m lucky enough to share the room with a nice girl I’ve met before in Corsica so I don’t feel lonely. She just asked me yesterday: “Have you ever thought that once you will celebrate the New Year’s Eve with me?” Of course not!

I must say I’m happy to say Goodbye to this year as it was not a lucky one for me. It wasn’t fruitful, all my success was about this blog. I was disappointed in friends (even close ones) but the same time I’ve found new ones. My dates were not lucky at all, but I learned a lot about men. I was also not lucky with travel (cancelled flights, sleeping at airports, going to a wrong airport – the latest I still can’t understand how I could manage) but my biggest dream to go to Japan came true in this year. Financially I used all my saving by the end of the year because the almost 2 months break I took, but I realised I have people around me I can count in crisis. So this year I got hot and cold, almost like in a love and hate relationship. But these kinds of relationships always come with lots of stress and I usually quit as soon as I can from them, same reason I’m happy to this year came to the end.

And I made the same New Year Resolution as I do in every year. I promised myself that in the new year I will try to do something new. It can be to visit a place where I’ve never been before, tasting food that I’ve never tried or it can be just to see something in a totally different way than I did before. And when I look back at the end of the year, I always realise that it was more than one new thing, actually, it’s always a big bunch of new things each year to be grateful for. I’m still busy counting them.

So now a new day, a new year and a fresh start. I’m ready to take new adventures and accept the challenges that 2015 will bring in my way.