B. Lindsay Belan, Author at HeartBrokenStilettos

I’m just a good girl with bad habits

If anybody asks what was my most exciting erotic experience, I always start with this story. It happened in London for quite a long time ago. But I feel I have to add it to the blog before everyone thinks I’m an innocent person (and because lately I only wrote about the pure facts of my work). So let’s talk about sex! Lately, I gave out only dry information about dancing on my blog, it’s time to spice it up! So here are some saucy bits:

That was my first night in that club and I couldn’t exactly figure out the rules.

In the interview, the manager told me it’s all about hostessing (meaning selling champagne and talking to the clients) but the club was in the basement of a hotel. Whatsoever, he ensured me there is no sexual activity involved. I remember it was a Monday night, not so busy. I worked there with 4 other girls, they were friendly and welcoming. Our shift was almost finished when two customers arrived.

One older, bold guy, he was the boss and a young, handsome guy who was the employee of the old one. They were a bit tipsy as they had a company event and they didn’t want to go home yet. So they ended up in our club. The old one knew the rules more than me – it was not his first time there for sure – and they ordered champagne for all of us. Bottles after bottles. The young guy was a chatty-box, quite intelligent though, the old one was funny. We really had a great time with them, they were easy customers. I thought so.

Not long before closing, the old guy disappeared with the manager in the back. I noticed that but I didn’t think it was a big deal. Then they came back with a huge grin on both of their faces. And the manager called one of the girls who seemed to work there for a long time and he whispered something in her ears. We had more fun but we finished the last bottle and the manager told us “OK, that was it, we are closing”. We went to the changing room, I went straight to my locker. But then I heard the others talking:

“Listen, they don’t pay enough.”

“Let’s just have some fun!”

“I need the money.”

“I don’t fuck for that money!”

“OK, so we’re gonna play with them for half an hour, but no penetration. I will tell the boss.” and the girl left.

In a minute I understood what happened in the back, what was all the whispering about. The girls didn’t talk secretly, but it was obvious I’m not involved in further business as I was a new girl and they didn’t know if I would agree or not. Suddenly one of them turned to me: “I guess you’re not interested. But we all go with the 2 guys to one of the rooms upstairs. Do you want to come?” Before I said anything, the girl came back: “They want all of us!” and looked at me impatiently.

I had 2 options: I get ready quickly and as soon as I can leave the place and get the next night bus home, or I can be naughty and have seven-some harmless adult fun.

Guess which one I chose? You’re right, the next night bus left without me.

It was not about money. The girl was right, they didn’t offer enough that I would have sex for if I’m a prostitute (I would fall into the high class and expensive category) If I remember well it was something between £100-150 each. The idea was already sick that the boss wanted to watch how his employee fucks a girl. But you don’t have this opportunity often and me having a curious nature I couldn’t turn the offer off.

The room was small and the girls were pros. They turned on the TV, it was some music channel and two of them started to dance in the middle of the room doing a small lesbian show, the other two got the guys undressed and then each other. I lost following what’s going on around me when one of the girls went down on me. I realised later that I was the only one having an orgasm that night.

I was not forced to do anything, it was my free choice. Half an hour later the girls started to get dressed and we left. For other reasons, I didn’t stay in that club for long, but until today I don’t regret it. I don’t even have a shame to talk about it.

What else can I say more: Welcome to my world of new experiences!

My best moments of being a stripper

I got a question from a reader that if I’m not so happy in my profession why did I choose this one. I think I wrote down enough time that I chose this because it was a good opportunity to travel. But I started dancing 7 years ago. 7 years is a long period and people change. I also changed. I was happy doing this job but now when I travelled from Canada to China, I have different goals in my life and I look for other options. I think it’s absolutely normal in a person’s life when she/he realises it’s time to make certain changes. 7 years I showed to the world my sexy body. Now I feel it’s time to show that I also have a beautiful soul!

And about my best moments.. here are they:

That’s a photo montage I selected from my Facebook albums. I only used the photos where I’m alone, I don’t want to cause trouble to other dancers who wish to keep their identity a secret. But if I had never chosen to live in this way, I couldn’t have these pictures. As my mum used to say: “These are the memories that nobody can take away from you!”

Just some thoughts..

I’m really on a deep level of understanding myself more and I made some amazing discovery. I realised what is my true problem in this industry. I’m way TOO FEMININE for this work! You think it’s great, a stripper must be feminine. A feminine woman is more pleasure for the eyes. But it’s not exactly the truth.

The woman seduces.
But this work is not about seduction any more. It’s manipulation. How can we get more money out of the guy, how can we keep him all night in the club to spend more, how can we get some cash from him. Seduction? Ehh.. pure manipulation.
Now you think there is not a big difference between the two. Indeed it’s huge! When a woman seduces, she places the man in the centre of her attention. When she manipulates him, the focus on the thing what she can get from him. In our case, that’s his wallet. The man who belongs to this wallet?? Kidding, right?

I’m fully aware that this is my work and I chose it. I make my money from this to pay my bills. But I can sense how it has been changed in the past years. A few years back we also took care of the person, not only his money. Now it’s all changing. There are two kinds of game in the clubs. One between a manipulator and another manipulator. Both know that it’s not true. The girl tries to get as much money as she can, and the guy plays hard to give. That’s more like a business presentation about why you should buy a certain product. And trust me, there are girls who could teach some new view on marketing to the most difficult business sharks! Or the other game between the manipulator and her/his victim. Yes, it can be both ways. When the girl is faking real interest and the guy buys it. He truly believes that the girl wants to see the 67th picture of his dog on his phone. “Show me more photos but can I have one more drink?” In the other way around when the guy is paying to make the girl drunk in the hope he can get more from her in private if she loses control over herself. “I buy you champagne but you must have also a shot with me.” But what if I don’t want to manipulate or be manipulated.

Also, the competition between the girls is not a feminine feature. Competition is always masculine, aggressive, active. The feminine energy is passive. (I’m not talking about the way of behaviour.) Most of my customers like me because I’m more of a woman. Not only on the surface. Because I’m different than the others. I’m more feminine (again, I’m not talking about the looks) But these customers come to the clubs less and less – or they died out. They also don’t want to participate in this game

The feminine energy doesn’t compete. It’s not waiting for the man on top of the stairs to enter the club and jump on him faster than a rocket or doesn’t want to push away the others just to be the first. The feminine energy is supportive, soft and helpful. But this is getting to be rare in this work. One night after we finished the shift, I asked a girl who was quiet all night

“Are you okay?

“Why do you ask?” asked back with so much aggression in her voice. She had no problem with me as we didn’t talk all night. From me, it was just an innocent and genuine question. But for her, it was something offensive. Because she doesn’t get used to that someone honestly cares. I do. If someone crying in the changing room or looks sad, I’m the first in the line to ask what’s wrong. Honestly. I made good friendships because the girl could feel that I’m not faking it. Not just telling her a few conned “feminine” words

And that’s why I can’t stay in this business for so long – besides any other reasons. That’s why I feel less and less successful because I don’t want to be part of this manipulative world any more. You would say the whole world is like that. But in strip clubs, this manipulation is very intense. I have 2 choices left: wait until the night finally pushes away back to the sunlight or I decide to leave it behind by myself.

The Death of the Phoenix

I’m going home to die…

No need to worry, everything is OK with me, there are no issues with my health. I’m not going home to literally die. But as I always said, the symbol of the Phoenix has a strong effect on my Life. And just like the Phoenix, I’m going to die to reborn. The old habits, patterns will die with me, I don’t want to follow them any longer. It’s a strange feeling when one day you wake up and you realise in a nanosecond what you’re doing wrong in your Life. Like a newborn baby, you open your eyes the first time and you see clearly. But it’s up to you what you’re going to do with this realisation. I’m cutting everything off that I don’t really need or not useful to me, that makes me feel tired, angry, sad or doubtful. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Things that hold me back. It’s like a big spring cleaning! I have no regrets. I truly believe that things that belong to my Life they will find the way back to me, the rest is just a matter of time when will leave by themselves.

It’s painful, but I need to grow. I put 8 years into 4 boxes and decided to go back to Hungary. At least for a while, until I make the final decision. I don’t want to live in a fantasy world any more, I decided to come out to the daylight. My eyes still hurt but soon I will get used to it. And I need my family and my family needs me. Where ever you travel in this world, it’s always good to go back to your roots, where is the source of your blood.

I often said after reaching my dream – to go to Japan – I have nothing to take from this dancing world. For me, that was the last step on the career ladder in this work (if we can call it a career) but after that, I didn’t find much happiness in it. Stories and experience for my book, yes, but now I need to find the time to work more on that book and set up new goals.

I don’t stop to work because I still have bills to pay but I will do less and less, and focus more on other aspects of my Life. I will still post here, but more from memory than about actual workplaces. And when I’m ready to reborn, I spread my wings and I will return.

Wish me good luck and strength!

5 things you should never ask from your dancer

1. How much money do you make?

I consider this question extremely rude from a customer’s mouth. Especially when my money depends on how much he’s willing to pay. My experience these guys just asking questions but don’t want to spend much money in the club. I never ask my customers how much money they have in their pocket!

Here in the blog, I write about money and club system because I want to break the stereotype that we, dancers are super rich. Unfortunately, it’s not the case. But still, the question is not polite at all.

2. Can we have sex in private?

NO. Even if it’s possible in some club, don’t make the wrong idea that you can have it in EVERY club, with EVERY dancer. If it’s possible, wait until the dancer makes the move… and you don’t find yourself in an embarrassing situation, most importantly you won’t piss of your dancer.

3. Is there a camera in the private?

YES. The management wants to know what’s going on there. Not only about sex but about drugs or any crime. Or about dancers who make outside business or get cash from the customer when she’s not allowed. Sometimes I can not take tips in private because it would lead me to further trouble with the club

And sometimes for the dancer’s safety. Can you imagine if the customer gets beating her up or being extremely aggressive with her? Or if something gets lost.. or stolen. Of course, they want to know about everything!

4. Do you want some beer?

Definitely not! I do drink champagne or cocktails. Not because I’m a lady, but because I earn commission on it. Simple is that.

5. Can I have your number?

It depends. Some clubs allow it, some don’t. It’s not a lie if I tell you I can’t because my boss watches us. But even if I can, I don’t give my number to anyone. Only to those who became a regular customer or I spent a good time with. I don’t want any disturbing messages or phone calls the middle of the night when I want to sleep! Way too many stalkers around.

+1. How do you find the work?

(This you can ask, but myself I’m bored to explain all the time..)

The first thing to make it clear, yes, there are agencies for dancers to cooperate between the clubs and the girls. Usually, clubs don’t like girls working without an agency. And personally, I prefer to work with agencies because if something happens they are there to help (like finding a new place in short notice if necessary) and it’s a safer way because they already know the club and its conditions. But I never need to be worried because I’m working as a self-employed and I pay tax and insurance and I sign contracts with clubs all the time.