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Sweet like sugar but not a Sugababe

It’s just another thing I have to tell. Lots of people think we, strippers are super rich! I heard so many times that “you should buy me a drink because you earn more than me!” Dear Gentlemen, I don’t. Those days when the staff of the club swiped the money off from the stage after the dancer’s performance, are over. The world has been gone through some financial crisis, don’t forget. And customers are not that generous anymore. In some clubs, I don’t earn more with dancing than an average waitress in a pub. (Here I don’t want to go deeper again that I’m doing it for the travel experiences not exactly for the money.) But all those girls they make extraordinary money, well, let’s be honest, they do extra. With “clean” work, you can be lucky only sometimes, or keep a good regular customer with intelligent conversations or charm, but that’s it.

And if you ever wonder what a stripper does with the money? I can’t talk about others, but because I work for tips sometimes, I decided to give out a part of it. I became the sponsor of a 5 years old girl in Myanmar. The money comes easy and goes easy. But if it goes, I like when it goes for a good reason. Of course, I buy shoes and other stuff too, I’m a woman and I need lots of them for work and for the modelling, but I know life is not only about these. And I believe in Karma that what you give, you will get back. It’s still such a cliche that all the strippers spend their money on drugs or they give it to their boyfriends. I worked with lots of girls that spent the money they earned on their education!

I can’t say I make a fortune with this job. But what I make is mine, I don’t depend on anybody. Of course, I was playing with the thought to find a rich guy and all my money issues would be solved, but I had to realise that I’m not that kind of woman who goes in this kind of relationship easily. I got this offer before. The guy offered me a nice apartment close to his, paying all my bills and £500 cash weekly for being his “girlfriend”. Nice, hm? The golden cage. By the way, I forgot to mention: he was fat, ugly, not so old but he became extremely arrogant when I rejected his offer. Not the type I would do anything with, and nobody can buy me, my love or respect in this way. I would rather earn less but feel free. But I also find it difficult with the guy I like. Or even more difficult. I can not just move into someone’s place with 2 suitcases and say “Here I am!” when I didn’t put a nail into the wall there. I can not feel good there. It feels like I’m only a guest, in long-term I would never be able to feel the place like my home. I would feel he’s the King of his Castle, and there is his territory, his rules, and I’m out of my comfort zone. Probably I’m too independent and just the idea to depend on someone could freeze me totally. I start to believe that I have too much (and unnecessary) pride tough.

I don’t judge the girl who is in a beneficial relationship. Maybe I will try once. But I blame the industry I live and work in. Sometimes these girls are very young and they want to live a certain kind of life without being able to afford it. Some are struggling to pay the rent but they’re saving money for a new Louis Vuitton bag. In a better case, they find someone who would be happy to buy it for them. Therefore they count on these men taking them on expensive holidays and fancy places and the idea of living like a princess becomes reality but only for short period. But what after? For these men there will be always a younger, prettier girl, they can not rely on them for a lifetime. Not anymore. It worked in the last centuries but these days when everything and everybody is replaceable so easily, I don’t trust in these relationships.

Oh well, this is the World we live in nowadays. And this is only my opinion. You can throw a stone at me but I still don’t go into a relationship based only on money. Call me old-fashioned, but – even I worked 6 years in the night – I can say I still believe in LOVE!

Welcome back in London!

Somehow back to London I always feel being lazy. Although I have lots of things to do. It’s more of an administrative break than a real holiday for me as I have to arrange the bank, doctors, payments, bills etc. not to mention to contact agencies (as I work with severe) which is the best place to go next. But besides that I love to take the time to slow down a bit when I’m home, catch up with friends and just simply enjoy life. Right now I’m sitting in a park enjoying this rare, beautiful, sunny days in England with my favourite Starbucks frappuccino. Small things can make me happy though.

This time after Japan I still need time to pull myself together, even I spent 2 weeks thereafter I quit the job. I don’t want to start the next contract being tired of people. It’s never a lucky start. But my next place will be Corsica and I’m pretty sure the sunshine and the sea will cure my little burnout syndromes very fast.

Someone asked me why I don’t work in London. Such a big city with lots of businessmen from all over the world. The question is correct. The answer: because I don’t want to. The system in London strip clubs is different than in the rest of Europe. I’m not telling you big secrets here but elsewhere in Europe, the clubs pay me to fix daily salary plus commission, while here in London the dancers pay to the clubs to work there and it depends on the location and the popularity of the club it can be £60-80 per night. And because the girls pay for the club, they want to make sure that they earn minimum that amounts back, so in some clubs, they are waiting for customers at the front door to jump on them as soon as they enter. I cannot be such a shark! It is just not my work style and this is not a relaxing environment for me.

And this funny story just came into my mind. After I came back from Greece where I worked on the summer, I was looking for some new clubs in London. I wanted to stay for a while. I found one where I started to work but on my first day one of the girls was absolutely fucked up (It was only a Monday night but she was totally drunk.) She was in the middle of the room and suddenly she showed her naked butt to everyone screaming “I’m not wearing any panties!” Such a great expression! Later she followed me to the washroom saying “You have to buy me a drink.”

“Why I have to buy you anything?”

“Because that’s a rule here, every new girl has to buy me a drink.”

(There was no free drink from the bar to the girls, you can guess why..)

“No.”

“I’m gonna smash your face!” she sounded extremely arrogant.

“You know what? Do it!”

She did not expect this answer and I just left her there. I don’t get scared that easy and she was quite drunk for a fight anyway.

Next day she was like nothing happened. But I had a problem with the manager instead. Every girl had to wear a long dress on the floor and I had this beautiful long dress with a high slit on one side. And he was arguing with me that it’s not what he wants to see in his club. Even the house mum tried to convince him that it is okay as it was really a gorgeous dress and it fit me perfectly. But he was kept saying no and I got a little pissed off after the first-day experience.

“So just let me make it clear here: if the customer can see my right ankle from the dress, it is a problem. But if I’m drunk and I show my naked ass to everyone, it’s not. Right? WTF?”

His face went red and only told me “Go, change!”

Of course, I did, and at the same time, I left the club. Next week I was sitting on a plane to Belgium.

So for me, this work and travel combo work out perfectly. It needs more organisation, but for it’s worth the time and effort. And between the contracts, I have enough time to recharge my batteries.

Oh Mr. Alcohol..

I must confess that I don’t like drinking that much. In my private life, I rarely drink. OK, a bottle of wine for a nice dinner or a good conversation with friends always welcome. But I don’t like the feeling when I lose the control over myself. Definitely not the big headache next day.

But I can say I only drink when I work. Not many people can say the same I guess. At work, I know my limits. And champagne and I are good friends! Not every kind because I hate the Bollinger and Moet, and I’m not a big fan of DP either. These are more acidic for me. If anybody wants to please me, Veuve Clicquot, Ruinart and Perrier-Jouet are the best choices. Girls like pink so I also prefer the rose. If you buy me champagne, I’m perfectly fine until 2 bottles. I mean I drink 2 bottles by myself and I can walk home with a clear head. I know it by experience. The problems start if we open the third bottle because I will immediately look for the solution how can I get rid of it. Especially if I have to take the responsibility myself to go home. When I worked in the London hostess club, we couldn’t drink at all. I remember once we had a meeting and before the manager finished, he turned to me saying “And you, you are not allowed to drink here any more!” Because, of course, it was easier to work when I was a little tipsy and I just started this kind of job, but I understood him lately. The club didn’t want to take responsibility for how the girls get home in the morning after work. And you can be more focused on selling and teamwork if your head is clear. So we had to change the champagne to ginger ale (with a little bit of cranberry juice if we had the rose) and everything was well organised. That was funny but we had all the small bottles of ginger ale under the sink in the ladies toilet and the dressing room. And how easy was to find a stupid reason to leave the table! I have to fix my make-up, I need my lip gloss, I have to check my phone because I wait for a message.. or just simply Sorry, I’ll be back soon. And then put a tiny little ginger ale into the glass and drink it immediately when you go back to the table. Ups, my glass is empty! Or when I couldn’t change the champagne, I just called another girl to the table. We shared the commission but we could help each other more and none of us got drunk. That was the main reason why I preferred to work as a hostess than as a dancer because with those girls we really worked in a team. Lots of dancers don’t understand what does it mean to help each other and they can go really greedy if it comes to money.

When I started this job I was new to London and didn’t understand the city. And lots of time I was in a stupid situation because of a big amount of alcohol. I remember when a guy stopped me on the Picadilly around 3 am that he will take me home. He was an unregistered taxi driver. I told him the address and I fell asleep in the car. Probably he didn’t understand what I was saying and when I woke up we were in another part of London. I realised the situation and started to scream at him. I got sober in a second! I realised how dangerous it can be. Or when I got robbed. I had to change the bus, but it took 20 minutes for the next one. So I decided to walk home saying it’s only 10 minutes away. But I was drunk and I walked literally from wall to wall in high heels. It was around 5 am but still dark. The guy ran after me, suddenly took my bag and ran away with it. Another guy saw what happened and he called the police. We went a few circles with the police car in the area but didn’t see anything after all. And we went to the police station for the papers and the other guy in the office told me:

“You were quite lucky.”

“Lucky???”

“Yes, because last week the same happened with a Russian girl, but she had a fight with the guy so she got stabbed in her back. She wasn’t.. drunk.”

I immediately understood that London can be dangerous if I don’t use my brain.

After that, I started to keep the club policy and change the champagne to ginger ale.

I was still drunk a few times but never that much. Macau was the other place where I drunk a lot, mixing the champagne with cocktails and shots. That was something! I still don’t understand how I was lucky with all the taxi drivers there and got home safely every time. In Macau, the major problem that the taxi drivers don’t speak English and they are quite rude. They can stop anywhere and just leave you on the street if you start to argue with them! But with me, they were always fine and never took me for a sightseeing tour in the morning. Or my Chinese pronunciation was good enough to understand where I want to go.. So they took me home and never wanted to overcharge me or anything. But I got lost in the building once! I was fully drunk and when I came out of the elevator, I turned in the wrong direction. I didn’t realise, I just saw the door, put the key in the hole, turned it, open the door… and in the middle of the apartment I realised it’s not mine! My first thought was that they redesign the place and brought more furniture while we were working and just after understood that I’m in the wrong place. I have no idea still how I could open the door with my key! But when I wanted to leave, I couldn’t pull out the key from the keyhole so I needed to call somebody to fix it. The little Chinese guy came with sleepy eyes (it was 4 am) and he thought I’m totally crazy! Took me a while to explain to him it’s not my apartment! I still laugh when I think of this story.

So yes. Even I work at nights, I don’t like drinking that much. And you have no idea that some girls working in clubs, they hate alcohol too!

Why I’m single and the reason behind

I’ve heard so many times from guys: “I don’t believe that you are single.” You believe it or not, I am. I usually tell customers that it’s not easy to find the right one when I’m always on the go. (Sometimes I’m actually very tempted to say yes, of course, I have one in every capital!) But I really mean it. 2 weeks here, 3 months there, it’s not enough time to build up a committed relationship. And if I find someone nice that we have the vibe, from the beginning it’s determined as we both know I don’t stay long. I haven’t found the person or place that’s worth enough to make me stop and stay.

That is a lie itself. I’ve found that special person or at least I thought so. We met just a few weeks before my contract finished. We had some special time together than he took me to the airport and I left him with a promise to keep in touch. I left him not even another country but another continent.

And the magic came through emails. I have no idea how it happened or when I fell for him, but truly he became my strongest relationship with someone. He became my greatest support, best friend and someone I could talk freely about anything. And he was 3500 miles away! Since then I believe in long distance relationships.

He appreciated and accepted me in the way I am (vice versa) more than any person physically close to me for more than 2 years. And guess what? End of the day I wasn’t good enough for him. Basically, he chose the most coward way and he just disappeared. I know that time he had problems but he chose “being selfish and isolated”. I gave him the maximum of time to deal with his own problems as I know men need that and I was not nagging with stupid questions. But months later there was still no contact and explanation. Of course “sorry for being distant” messages yes, but not a real reason why he chose to end it up in that way. Why he pushed me away. I’ve been just left alone with my guess. And this is the most soul-killing solution that a guy can do for a woman. Even the painful truth is better. Maybe I cry for a day or two, but then I know the show must go on.

That time I was working in Macau, China, and he has no idea but he really gave me a hard time. Not because he stopped communicating, but because I had no idea what’s going on. I even started to blame myself. I couldn’t concentrate my own work, I was not even able to smile sometimes. In a 2 months period, I was just a shadow of myself. Now it’s over, the strong woman is back, who able to fight with anything with the greatest smile. Thanks to my dear friends for the support and lifting up my spirit and I apologise to those who had no chance to get to know the real me because I was in my own little world liking my wounds. So after that long time: Life Is Beautiful and Good Morning Sunshine!

And as someone asked me about, I have to make a statement that’s nothing wrong with my sexual life! Well, I have blood in my veins (OK, sometimes it’s mixed with lots of champagne but it’s still mainly blood) I don’t have a relationship but it doesn’t mean I’m not dating. Even when I had this long distance relationship or special friendship (or whatever label you want to use) I was seeing guys. That was a kinda silent arrangement between us, he never asked me about that and I didn’t either. We are only humans and our body has needs. And we are adults enough to understand that. But back to dating, I don’t date with anybody. The guy I want to date with needs to catch my attention. Not with a good look or money. But he needs to have that special something. He needs to know how to treat a woman. Some date, of course, can fail and I say I don’t even want to see that guy again. But when it comes to sex, I like to take the time to get in the mood with a dinner and a bottle of good wine. Maybe two.

I guess this is when people say it’s not a matter of quantity but quality. And I definitely go for quality things in my Life. And until I find my Mr Right, I will enjoy dating.

Bitches vs. Doormats

If you want to call me a bitch you’re allowed to. If you think I’m strong, I don’t let a man think he has a hold on me if you think I can stand up for myself and I don’t chase a man, you’re right. In that case, if every strong woman is a bitch, you can call me one. Because I know what I want, I do not compromise and I’m still very feminine on the surface. And being called a bitch is still better than being called a doormat.

I have a very good example of the latter. Some girls are incredible desperate having a relationship and they even try to convince themselves that their relationships work and it’s good for them. The fears come from different backgrounds, not having enough self-esteem, they need control from the outside, they think someone can make them happy rather than make themselves happy, etc. Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves. And they give too much in their relationships. I mean way TOO much! A friend of mine once has been called out for dinner at 11 pm! In the rain. And she happily put some make-up and shoes on and left the house. There is no guy in the entire Universe that can call me out after 8 pm for a date! Where is the self-respect here?

I don’t want to analyse the whole thing from the guy’s side and I don’t want to judge him either. But at some point, I’d like to hear his opinion. My problem is my friend. To see her in a relationship waiting. Waiting for his phone calls, waiting to see him, waiting that the guy wants to settle down, waiting when he decides to move in together, waiting, just waiting. That’s the worst thing that a woman can do in her early thirties. Waiting and wasting her best years because she’s living in a dream. She sees what she wants to see. As they say: The eyes are useless when the mind is blind. And she loves to give advice to others about their dates or relationships what really started to piss me off lately. I don’t know how long I’m able to shut my mouth.

In my opinion, men are hunters. They are more turned on by a powerful woman because it’s a trill to them to take her down. A high-calibre guy wants a self-respecting woman who has an appetite for her own Life and won’t let someone walk all over her. That’s why even my friend calls me a bitch. Not to face to face, of course! For example, she never understood how I’m able to accept gifts from my dates. Because I simply deserve it! (And she doesn’t even know that that was kinda training for me to accept any presents or help from a man who is not my partner. Sometimes my pride was bigger than the desire to have that gift.) She calls me a bitch because in her opinion it’s not possible if I don’t treat them right sexually. She doesn’t know how to accept something, only to give. She never learnt to keep the balance between giving and accepting. That you shouldn’t give more than you get back in return. She never understood these things but she easily judges others. She has a normal life, a normal job. She never worked in the night. She knew when I worked in London as a hostess, living together was not easy to lie about it and I didn’t even want. She knows that I’m doing the same in different countries now, I never mentioned her when I started to dance. I didn’t see the point. But with all these travels, all the new experiences, with new people around me, she sees that I’m happy and easily succeed in my goal.

She is a nice girl. TOO nice! But in a relationship, she’s not able to stand up for herself and for her own needs. And“when a nice girl needs a man too much and puts him on a pedestal, she treats him with a view of himself that even he doesn’t hold. And it makes him uncomfortable because he knows (better than anyone) that he ain’t no a white knight.” (Sherry Argov: Why Men Love Bitches)

I don’t know what is going to happen next. Probably they will struggle together for more years and make each other unhappy. Both have no strength to quit. But this is an unhealthy situation. I just hope soon they will be able to solve it in one way or another. But meanwhile, I’m happy bitching around.